The Sky Wears My Longings

The sun is going down again.

It is slipping behind the trees outside the hospital.The sky is full of clouds that look like they have been set on fire.Orange.Gold.Soft pink.The light is cutting through the branches and falling on the parking lot,on the cars,on the tired faces that are walking out of the wards.

I am standing here after a 30 hour shift.My white coat still smells like antiseptic and tea.My feet hurt.My eyes hurt.And my heart hurts in a different way.

I miss my home.

I miss it in a way that hits me when I am not expecting it. Like right now. When the sunset looks exactly like the one I used to watch from my rooftop back home.The same color.The same quiet.The same feeling that the day is ending and it is time to sit with family.

But here I am.A doctor.

People think being a doctor means you are strong all the time.They think you get used to the pain.They think you do not feel homesick because you are busy saving lives.That is not true.

Today I held the hand of an old man who was scared.I told a mother that her child will be okay.I ran to codes.I wrote notes. I drank cold water from the cooler because I did not have time for lunch.And the whole time,a part of me was thinking about my home.About my mother’s cooking.About the sound of my own door closing at night.

This sunset makes it worse. Because it is so beautiful that it feels unfair.How can the sky be this gentle when I feel so far away from everything that feels like mine?

The clouds are moving slowly.The light is getting softer.The hospital behind me is still loud.Pagers.Voices.Footsteps.Someone is crying in emergency.Someone else is laughing in the canteen.Life does not stop here.It never stops.

That is why I chose this.To be here.To be the person who stays when everyone else wants to go home.But choosing it does not mean it does not hurt.