THE VALLEY OF THE SUCK! Ultra-hard to post.

First of all- not sure why Ntopaz is rotating this 90 degrees, probably 'cause of Meta-Data from my phone- so... deal with it, turn your head... Though, the fact it's facing the wrong way is kind of perfect to help emphasize the point of this post.

This is a progress pic... I'm part way through a painting, and it has gotten me in a fucking rollercoaster of emotions. So, I wanted to share so that you can understand what an artist has to deal with... I actually forgot, because I create so much damn art... but.. .this is a comission piece. So... every brush stroke is placed with agony, fear, and trepidation. There's plenty of confidence, as I have tens of thounds of hours of experience... But, there is fear... LOTS of fear and doubt.

Just in making the outlines of this piece, I literally (yes, literally- not like the millenial thing of saying Literally, figuratively) tried out 9 different brushes... and the outlines are STILL not done btw.....

Every time the brush touched the canvas, my brain shouts at me "Did I just fuck up the painting? Is that right?"

I tried skipping the outline process (I made the drawing in advance in charcoal) and doing the next phase of an under-painting... just setting some values (levels of brightness- black and white.... Think, a reference of where the light is hitting, and where it's not). That was a painful reminder that the steps are in the order they are, for a reason... my tinting pass (see that yellow'ish color there? Just painting that over everything so that there's no bright white that is an unpainted painting) melted my hours of hard work of the initial sketch... charcoal does not stay put when you apply water on it :( Fuck my life.

Have I even mentioned how hard it is to show an unfinished piece? I know what's wrong with it.... And many people seeing it are going to have something to say.... Go on, tell me.... I guarantee you that I already know what it is... I just haven't gotten to work on it yet... That's why this doesn't have my signature on it yet... That's why it doesn't have my watermark on it... This is not complete! And I'm showing it. This is way harder than a piece that's completed. It's the same reason that you need to protect your goals and dreams from the public, because well meaning friends and family are the number one killers of dreams.

In truth, I'm a professional, so... I don't give a fuck what you think of the piece... Of any of my pieces really... Unless you're paying me to create it, then I absolutely care what you think. I'll shrug off ample praise just as much as criticism... both are equally useless and dangerous. I appreciate that people enjoy my work.... I live to hear the stories of how my art has moved people. Keep 'em coming. But that won't actually change anything in my life.

I deeply value constructive criticism from people whom I resepect. But everyone loves to hear their own voice... So most opinions aren't really that useful. Most of it are just judgement....Good / bad / otherwise.

Judgement is a motherfucker. And you know who spouts more of it off than anyone? ME!!! - My god, there is no steaming turd that you could take on my work that would come remotely close to the hateful shit that my brain's been throwing at me day after day as I work on a painting. (Don't let the fact that I post one every day fool you-- my paintings take weeks, often months to finish).

The entire time I painted my Alice Cooper painting that sold for $10,000 --- the entire time I was just chanting to myself "I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing!" - repeat repeat repeat. I know better.... I know that I know what the fuck I'm doing-- I've proven that. The fact the painting sold for $10,000 doesn't matter- while painting it, I had to battle this shis thought.... The things that kept me going are the deadline-- 'cause I had to deliver the painting... The accountability kept me going.... And... the fact that I was doing a timelapse... So.... while I look like I know what I'm doing, I am literally saying that out loud:

I have no clue what I'm doing!

I don't know what the fuck I"m doing!

But... you gotta smile and look brave for the camera -- the clock is ticking...

Brush stroke by Brush stroke.... I inch forward... through the pain and doubt....

I know that on the other side of it there is a painting that the world will love... That even I might not have too much shit to say.

People throughout the millenia have compared the process of creating a work of art to the process of having a kid....

You start off with an idea of what it's going to be like. How it's going to turn out.

Then when it's happening, you feel like a fake... You feel that it's a complete turd.... It doesn't look like what you hoped. It's not something you want to brag to your friends about (my parents are still ashamed... 'cause I have long hair, and "look like a homeless person" ).... But... you keep going... You give it love, discipline, and the values that you've learned in your time on this spinning rock.....

Then one day.... Your kid goes from a drooling idiot with braces, that can barely pronounce words..... With - what now seems like a blink of an eye -- that same kid is now tall, and handsome, and well spoken, and has 6-pack abs, and a fashion sense, and is doing some good in the world, and loves who they are, and people miss them when they leave the room.....

Well.. it's the same with a painting. You've got a concept... then you try to bring it to live... and it's fucking hard. Every time you look at the progress, you think not how far you've come, rather... how much it does not look like what you want.... And it's embarrassing.... And then... all of a sudden, it looks good. What happened? Nothing -- you just made it far enough out of the Valley Of The Suck... That reverse Peak that every painting has to go through... Concept - failure, and non-stop iteration until it looks good, then continue to refine it until it's beaming with life and personality... It no longer even needs me as a creator, it speaks for itself.

I'm pretty used to the process- I don't notice it when I create for fun, or for friends.... But when it's a paid commission. Every brush stroke is placed with reverence.

Am I a pain in the ass? Oh hell yes! Proudly so.

Was I a hard kid to raise? Fuck yes (less proudly so).

Would my parents rather not have had me? Well.. I hope the answer is "Hell no! Totally worth it!" -- but thankfully, I'm a few years past the warranty date, so there's nothing they can do about it. Not even change the length of my hair.

This portrait of a little girl and her cat is for a collector of mine that I cherish. I pour everything that I have into it... It's hard.. there are (literal) tears... There is self doubt. But, I just have to smack myself upside the head and remind myself that I've done this before. I've survived yesterday... I'm going to survive today... And I'm going to survive tomorrow.

If it were easy, I wouldn't remember it. I wouldn't value it. It wouldn't be valuable.

My prized possession - will get its own post, don't worry - is a Bronze sculpture that I made... I signed up for a $300 course on making a bronze... figured I'd come out with a small sculpture, sell it for $800 or $900 - and get to check "made a bronze sculpture" off my list....

That is not at all what happened. I made it- it broke in the wax process, after 3 weeks of hard work... And I thought I lost everything.... My mentor helped me piece it together... There were 6 weeks of hard work, toxic chemicals, my apartment reeking of burnt wax, my hopes crushed, my feelings of victory... injuries from power tools, burns, so much more.

That sculpture never went on sale, and it never will! I worked so hard on it.. People will be able to fight it out after I"m dead....

That's the way I feel about this portrait-- and all the custom commissions that I create.... I value them more than I do my health (from the sense of avoiding injuries- I still try to eat well and exercise --- sleep... eh... depends on the deadline).

So now you know....

Make sure to resteem and follow.