5 Golden rules to deal with online abuse or feuds

Have you ever been in the receiving end of online abuse or offensive comments? Have you had an argument with someone on social media that ended really bad, that now you regret the way you handled the situation? Feeling embarrassed that you went through this in front of all your friends and family? I’m sure you are not alone. But, what or where things went wrong? How can you better handle these types of situations and come out as the better or bigger person?

Imagine that someone has left an offensive or abusive comment on your profile. What if this is publicly visible? I'm sure you would feel humiliated in front of all your friends and family. What should you do? And what you shouldn't do?

When something like this happens, it is very difficult to avoid the temptation to be impulsive and return the favor in the same vigor, if not more aggressively. But, that's going to worsen the situation. It can easily be the case that you misunderstood this comment, or it can be a genuine mistake; it can also be the case that someone else was having unauthorized access to this person's account. Life is full of surprises, and acting impulsively in such situations will only add insult to the injury, and worse you may end up being both the victim and the culprit of online abuse.

This doesn’t mean that you are letting them get away with it. If you act smart, you can return the favor, have a meaningful conversation and still end up as the bigger person. No one is perfect, and if your initiatives allow you to leave things in good terms, it will only do good for you. You might meet this person in the future, you might work with/ for or under them. How embarrassing it would be for both of you if things had been left in negative terms?

Rule #1: It’s all about the motive

First and foremost, read and re-read the comment, even if it is unbearably offensive. What you read is what you understand, how you feel and then how you react. Pay particular attention to the motive behind this comment. Often, it will indicate where the conversation is heading, and give important clues for your plan of attack.

For instance, the motive behind an abusive comment may be a disagreement. If you can recognize this, it will enable you to challenge both the issue and that person's inability to have a civilized conversation about the issue. This will allow you to close out the conversation and refuse further response. There you go; with a single blow, you get to both knock-out the opponent and win everyone's hearts. This may not be the most logical or the honest way to approach a conversation. But, the person you are dealing with had not left room for logic or honesty, so don’t be too hard on yourself. It may probably be the case that these words are not in this person’s vocabulary.

Rule #2: First thing's first

If the particular comment is so vile, or has a severe impact on you or other people in your life, immediately do any of the following:

take a snapshot of the page as evidence, and if you have authorization, delete the comment. If you have admin rights, change the visibility settings of the conversation to ‘private’ so that only you and this person can see the conversation. No good will happen to you by allowing the public to see something that harmful.
If this is about something or coming from a person that you really don't care, that you feel it is not worth investing even a minute of your time, simply delete the comment, unfriend/ unfollow or block this person’s account. Social media is already swallowing up whatever the little time we have for the important people in our lives and letting off people who do not respect you is one of the best decision you can make. This doesn’t mean that your relationship with this person just turned bitter. It may be the case that you won’t interact with this person in that capacity.
Rule #3: Don’t lose the upper hand

The best thing about having an online argument or a feud is that it doesn’t have to be real time. You don't necessarily have to respond immediately. There is considerable amount of time to prep or think about how you should respond. Don't waste this crucial advantage!

So, no matter how provocative the comment is hold on to your horses. Find a strategy that works for you to avoid the temptation i.e: switch your mind/ focus onto something else, walk away from the computer or sign out from your account. You can always come back whenever you want to deal with it. Once you remove the opportunity to act on your impulse, you will see things in a better perspective. After some time you may even feel not that excited about getting back at them; more important things may pop up that requires your urgent attention, which is all the better. In many instances, refusal or silence may be the best weapon against pointless battles.

Rule #4: Why bother?

Ask yourself what your motive or objective is to respond. To name a few you may want to:

Prove that you or your opinion is right;
Defend your or someone else’s dignity or innocence;
Prove that your opponent or their opinion is wrong.
This would put things into perspective as to whether your motive/ objective is really worth investing your time. Unless you are an expert on the issue, coming up with a proper response takes time and a lot of work. You might have to do some research on the topic.

Still want to respond? No problem. Let’s see what strategies we can use to be smart on our reply.

Rule #5: Smart response

First tip: Never, never ever reply when you are under stress or feeling frustrated! This is almost always a recipe for disaster. I have come across many people who made aggressive responses because they were in a bad place at that time. By next day, they totally regret their actions, all they could do is apologize, which doesn’t necessarily make things right. As soon as you put something online, it is official. People reading a bad comment will only see the comment, not the circumstances you were in when you wrote it. So, It is always wise to follow Rule #3.
Second tip: focus your energy on the content, not on your opponent. This always allows you to focus on the issue and remove the person or personalities from the argument, which often leads to a more meaningful discussion. You might even learn something new from it. But, this is true only if all parties are willing to do the same. if your opponent is still being a jerk or not meeting your expectations, at anytime you can deliver the knockout blow (Rule #1).

For instance, someone might go on a personal attack on you because you criticized one of their idols or someone they support. Obviously, you may feel angry and want to seek vengeance. But, instead of dragging yourself onto the same degrading level as they were, you can focus your feelings and energy into criticizing the figure. With facts you can dismiss the figure or what they have done. This will not only allow you to make a smart response, but also, it will hit your opponent where it hurts the most. If they hit back with a similar hateful comment, you have more than enough reasons to A) deliver the knockout blow and B) block or report this person’s account – Rule #2.

Third tip: challenge their claims and their credibility. Most online feuds or abuse are based on people passing judgement over others, most of whom they hardly know, or not know at all. One effective strategy is to challenge their credibility to make such judgement. Unless you are dealing with a mind-reader, or someone who knows about you so well, both of which are highly unlikely (would you chose social media to settle an argument with your closest family or friends? If so, I would say there is far greater issues to begin with), you are all good to go ahead.
In such cases, before trying to justify your position or bring in the counterattack, one of the easiest, yet, highly effective things you could do is to ask a couple quick questions:

“on what grounds are you making that judgement/ how can you say that?”
“who are you to say that?”
“what do you know about me to say that”
“that’s your opinion, and that says a lot about you”
You can use these with almost any situation. There are obvious advantages of using these types of questions:

They will shift the focus on your opponent, and challenge their capacity/ knowledge on the matter.
You would be able to respond quickly, and buy some time to prep yourself for the next response, which also helps you to keep focus on the issue.
No one knows you better than yourself; so, no one can successfully answer these questions or justify passing judgment on you, which on any day gives you the competitive advantage.
If you really want to get back at them, push them to answer this question instead of letting them change the subject. After all they made the first move, and it is them who need to give an explanation.
At some level you would have to end it for good, because we all have more important things to do in life. If you were the target of online abuse or dragged into an unwarranted feud, you already deserve the right to decide when you want to leave or let go. The earlier you let go, the more healthier it is for you. The last thing you want is to get depressed or worry about a feud with a total stranger or someone you remotely know that has nothing to do with the important things in your life. So, whatever you do, make sure it is healthy for you.

Finally, implementing these rules and tips, and your success may depend on the nature of your interaction/ conversation or the people that you are interacting with.

Recently, I was at the receiving end of an offensive comment. Thanks to these rules, I had the presence of mind to make the right moves. First of all I took a screenshot of the comment and deleted it (Rule #2). Read the comment several times and thought about the motive behind it and understood that this was because I criticized a public figure who this person idolized (Rule #1). I took a good half an hour to think about what my response should be (Rule #3). Instead of replying to him on the same page in front of everyone, I sent him a rather nasty personal message. I was nasty towards his idol, not towards him; I focused my anger and energy on his idol, and pointed out how pathetic it is to abuse someone you personally know, based on some public figure who has nothing to do with either of us; frankly, I was professional in my approach. I did not bring anything that had to do with the relationship I had with him, other than replying to each point he posted on my timeline (Rule #5). The next day, I got a call and he was apologizing from the bottom of his heart. Apparently, he made the comment by mistaking me with someone else!

He learned an important lesson that day, so did I. I’m sure he will not do this ever again, with anyone, and I will make sure that I keep doing what I did here. I guess that’s what matters in the end.