New mum's and dad's.....can a relationship thrive, even with a newborn? Here's my story. Part 2

In my last post I talked about the 5 things that I believe you need to have invested in to be able to thrive and not just survive when your children are very young.

To recap they were:

• Getting involved with your newborn
• Looking after your relationship
• Understanding your changing sexual relationship
• Parenting as a team
• Working out new roles

What I'm hoping to achieve over time is to reach more men and help them have better relationships with their young children and their wife and the outcome will be happier, healthier children and more families staying together.

The most beautiful times can be when the children are very young, however can also be the most challenging times and the beauty gets lost in the fog of trying to get through each day and week in many families.

One of the most important keys to thriving in the early days is to look after your relationship. Some of the experiences that come with being a new parent can make you feel even more deeply connected as a couple. For many people the birth of a child brings positive changes in their relationship. For example, you and your partner might feel a new and different level of connection. But you might also experience some strains, even if these weren’t part of your relationship before becoming parents.
Less sleep, less time to talk, less time to spend together – these things can all take their toll on your relationship while you care for your new baby.

These changes and strains might mean you disagree more often or that things don’t quite feel right. Also, you might not have the energy to sort out problems when they arise.

Communication!
Open communication helps keep things on track and helps you both come to terms with these changes. It can nurture and strengthen a healthy relationship with your partner, as well as with friends and relatives.
Listen to each other !
Good listening is the most important communication skill you have. It helps you and your partner feel heard, understood and supported.

That’s because good listening helps you understand things from your partner’s point of view and puts you in touch with your partner’s feelings. If you want your partner to listen to you, you need to be prepared to hear issues from your partner’s point of view.

You can show you’re really listening by stopping what you’re doing when your partner wants to talk, and by paying full attention to your partner’s words and body language. I always would directly face my wife if standing and put my hands behind my back to open my body up to her, if sitting, I would sit next to her and look her in the eye.

It’s important to encourage your partner to talk by asking open-ended questions, like ‘What do you think about … ’. These questions can encourage more discussion about issues. You can also check whether you’ve understood by restating your partner’s comments in your own words.

And remember – if you’re thinking about what to say next, you’re not really listening. Instead, try to focus your attention on what your partner is saying. You can even jot down notes if you’re concerned you’ll forget something important. That may sound a bit over the top but sometimes in the business of life, like anything you can refer back and it shows each other you a fully committed to what they are saying.

Tell your partner how you feel!
Your partner isn’t a mind reader! When you talk about your frustrations and fears, your happiness and joys, it makes it easier for your partner to know what you’re going through.

‘I’ statements are easier to listen to than ‘you’ statements, which can seem like criticisms. So when you talk, you could say things like ‘I feel a bit lonely when we spend less time together’. This might be better than ‘You don’t make any time for us anymore’. Being able to take 'you' statements out of your vocabulary will help you immensely in your relationship and in all your relationships in life.

It can be hard to slot in discussions between nappy changes – you might find it helps to set aside time to talk. Now when you're in the moment, the 'I'm gonna' little guy will speak to you and you'll put it off.....don't listen to the 'I'm gonna guy' ever and make the time to talk.

One of the big positive moves you will need to make is to PLAN time with your spouse, and let the planning be fluent and flexible but consistent, there is a difference between rigid and consistent and not following through because you couldn't get together at the same time all the time.

Manage conflict!
Differences in opinion will come up as you go through changes – talking about these can help you both understand each other’s perspective. It’s OK to disagree. Being able to practice your communication skills and be able to listen out what your spouses view is and respond after they have felt heard and acknowledge their point first with words like, "Ok I hear what you're saying there and understand how you feel about............." Then go into your viewpoint and any differences

It can help to relieve tension if you accept different points of view while explaining your own. You can use the tips on listening, above, to find out what your partner means rather than counter-attacking, which can make things worse.

When you’re making decisions together, aim for ones that are OK for both of you – especially decisions about parenting. As parents, it’s important to be on the same page, but you might find that agreeing on things like routines, discipline and bedtimes takes some teamwork.

Closeness!
Simple things like asking your partner about the day (‘What was good?’, ‘What wasn’t so good?’) can help you keep in touch.

Small gestures that show your partner that you care can also do the trick. This might be just a cup of tea or offering your partner a sleep-in when tiredness sets in. For years my daughter would get up at around 5am, so I would sleep in on Saturdays and my wife on a Sunday. Sometimes she would look really beat and I would give her the both days on the weekend, and another time she would give me both when it worked. Have each others back to get rest, you will need it.

Make some ‘couple’ time
Making some time to spend together as a couple can give you both the opportunity to talk, reconnect, enjoy each other’s company and nurture your relationship. This will take effort, in planning and energy to engage with one another. It is so easy to start to lead different lives, go to bed separately and be zombies on little sleep and not connect anymore.

Some key things to invest time in:

• organise a babysitter and go out somewhere you both enjoy during the day or in the evening – it could be for a meal, a walk or a movie, once a month or 6 weeks is a good timeframe that will come around quickly and is very important.
• make time to do something special together at home – for example, a special dinner or a DVD after your children have gone to bed.
• think about what you liked to do before you became parents and work out how you could make it happen again – even if you do it a bit differently now.
  If you plan ahead for these activities, they’re more likely to happen. It also gives you something to look forward to.

Having a sex life!
Believe it or not, most couples do get their sexual relationship back on track eventually. Putting more time into talking and spending time together can make you feel closer, and this helps your sex life.

If you’re feeling too tired or too distracted to even think about sex, try talking to your partner about how you feel. Just like time together, sex might also need a bit of scheduling. This is the awkward one, but honestly you will need to do this and feels like sometimes it's not right to do this, but making peace with this will help you keep your sex life moving. You won't have the opportunity to act on your urges as in the past. Committing to this with each other avoids rejection when one partner is moving towards another, and there will always be tiredness and this can cause issues when rejection starts happening. Just plan, it's ok, you'll be so much better for it.

You're relationship can really blossom and the grind of early childhood can be a miracle for your relationship growth.

Till part 3.... bye for now :)