California Here I Come

It's been awhile since I posted anything, so, I figured with a new year approaching why not wrap up the year with an update post! Phew, where did I leave off?!

Well, before I joined steemit, I was in a very dark place. Suddenly I saw an old shipmate of mine talk about Steemit and I jumped onboard because, well, for one he was making a lot of money per post. Then he brought me to the PALnet/MSP discord and that's when I really started to get lost in the interwebs of the crypto world. I formed enough trust that in one moment when I wanted to end it all, I reached out in the #recovery-addiction channel they have.

I was going to call the veterans crisis hotline but the first thing that came to mind was cops will be at my door and I'll be hauled off to the psych ward. I didn't want to not reach out because I feared if I didn't reach for someone, I'd be reaching for something... then my kids would be left with a Stace-shaped void and that's what stopped me from going through with it. After talking with someone, I realized it wasn't the solution.

I started forming friendships and opened up about my situation at the time. I even made some posts/poems about it. I was smack dab in the middle of a toxic, abusive relationship that was pulling me down into darkness. These friends helped me realize that I needed to establish boundaries, I needed to go seek professional help which was provided to veterans like myself. So I did just that. It took me awhile to get the ball rolling on this so there was one final incident that pushed me to where I am now.

Not realizing just how severely damaged my mental state had been, I was coping in very unhealthy ways... To the point where I could no longer sleep and had a huge panic attack accompanied with auditory hallucinations.

After leaving the emergency room, I was told to report this incident to the VA since I'm a veteran getting seen there. So I did. And from there I began to heal.

I kept struggling between pretending everything was okay and completely breaking down in my therapist's office. I started going to Dialectal behavioral therapy group sessions and started making the connection between my body's reactions to my true emotions and caught what I was doing.

My words did not match my true emotions and from then on I didn't ignore what my body was telling me. Allowing things to go on as they were would pull me further into darkness and well, I don't call my kid "Sonshine" for nothing.

I don't know exactly how things got to where I am now, on my way to a new home in an old state I use to live in. I was supposed to just be house sitting for my mom's family and all of the sudden I told the father of my girls, I'm not coming back. Then my brother offered me his house in California, since he's living with his wife at her parents house. It's like the stars aligned in my favor somehow.

I know there's still more ups and downs to come but whatever comes my way, I'm going to experience it one breath at a time. I was trying to get my driver's license before I leave my mom's house but with all this snow, I just can't risk it.

Thankful for new beginnings and choosing life, no matter how hard it gets. Thankful for sonshine, and my two little princess warriors who've been so strong and resilient along this journey. Thankful for all my friends and family who've made life worth living. Sorry for not posting or even chatting as much. Once I get settled into my new home I'll get back to it.

Love, peace, and healing vibes. namaste

[all images are not my own, I own no rights to them]

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