Painted into a corner

I have been posting quite often for about 10 months now and it is likely a large reason why I do not have large auto-voters as they would get drained too heavily, but it is also a catch-22 situation as if I stop posting as regularly, they are unlikely to change their current voting behaviours on me. I have painted myself into a corner.

I am pretty open with my journey here as I am not a person to bullshit in real life either, so I thought I would explain my posting behaviour a little. But for those that can't make it through, Don't post too regularly if you want to stick around long-term.

When I joined it was for financial reasons as my daughter was ill and the treatment costs stripped everything we had plus our savings away. I was desperate. After the 3 month mark at Steemit and after about 100 posts (~1 per day) I had 109 followers and had hardly earned anything. I had some great comments, great follows but financially, very little.

Why didn't I just get a second job? My wife was recovering (and still is and it has been a year and a half), our infant daughter couldn't sleep because of pain and I would spend most nights pushing her around the neighbourhood as it was the only way she could rest and once home, I would sit and wait an hour until she would wake again and I would take her for another walk. In the morning after a couple hours rest on the couch, I would go to work. There was just no way I could run my business, do what was necessary at home and have another job. Steemit allowed me to write in the times my daughter slept.

But, a dollar or two a day was never going to cut it and if I couldn't get more on a post, I had to post more. So I did. Instead of watching shows while waiting for her to wake, I wrote. And wrote and wrote and wrote and I would prepare texts for the next day as I didn't want to spam. I would try to spread them out the best I can and I would get a dollar here sometimes five there.

I remember it must have been March or so and I got a vote from @thejohalfiles, it was the largest single vote I had ever received and it was about 20 dollars. It felt a little like winning the lottery and it meant a lot. A half hour later it was gone as an experiment I didn't know was running meant @abit and @smooth flagged the value away. It crushed me and I questioned smooth but, when I found out about the experiment, I supported them. I still felt like I had lost though. Entitlement.

But slowly I gained followers and it was the end of June, almost 6 months after starting, that I reached 500. More importantly than that, I gained good followers who cared about my content. They kept me going and kept me learning. I no longer needed the money and still to this day, I haven't used any crypto but, I saw a chance to not only help my family's future, but help others too. The only problem is, I needed stake, I needed Steem Power but I was only inching along.

I watched so many others blow past me, I saw people getting delegations that they would misuse, I saw the circle-jerking and the favoritism and people earning on one post what I would get in a month or two on material I could produce in 20 minutes, and they were posting daily. But, I had my own game to play, my own values to keep and my own ethics. Pride means nothing to me, my life is a bunch of random events I had largely no control over choosing but, if there was something I may be proud of if forced, it would be my stance at Steemit. I have done my best and it hasn't been in the maximization of my stake.

Someone DM'd me in chat tonight and they had looked at my payouts and said, "You are doing something wrong, with your SP, you should be earning more." Yes, I am doing something wrong. If I had taken my paid delegation and self-voted on my own content and comments for the last 3 months, I would have double the SP I have now. What that means instead though is that 70 percent of what I could have earned, has gone to other people. Did I make a mistake? It is too early to tell but perhaps considering some of the behaviors of people here, yes, I should have just grown my account, at the very least, I could flag at twice the weight.

But, this is why I still post as I do, why I still push myself 10 hours or more a day just on the writing, not to mention the comments and chat time. I still want to build stake, I still want that pay-off in my future but, I do not want to compromise myself to be there and unfortunately for me, my moral stance is on building a healthy community, not maximizing my individual wealth. Maximizing would leave no room for others, and there are enough of those people on this platform and in the real world as it is.

Stake is important to hold, it is the influence for the future, the value too but, at what cost are people willing to pay for it? There are so many poor behaviors here, so many attention seekers willing to do 'whatever it takes' to get what they want and maximizers use their votes to influence those above, not help those below. It is not about community, it is about ladders and hierarchy. If I am not earning, it will be them and they are not suddenly going to change their behavior when they 'have enough' because they will never see that day. That is their journey.

Mine is different, however, one where I can grow myself and help others to grow. I might end up with more than them through the volume of work but the gap between is going to be a lot less. This is how healthy distribution happens, it isn't a handout or charity, it is people working together for betterment of people working together, the community.

This is the cost of being in a community but unfortunately, the maximizers do not pay this cost, they are extractors and only distribute when and to whom can work them up the ladder, get them an audience with a bigger fish, a bigger vote. When someone is no longer useful, they are discarded. That is not me, there are times I wish it were as it would be a lot less work a lot less frustration. But, where does it lead me? I don't want to have to ever justify my position to cover my behaviours.

Yes, I have painted myself into a corner, I now have to post to be able to cover the people I have chosen to support, I now have to post to a standard that I expect from myself, post to pay the delegation and I must face the reality that I am not an auto-voted producer, I am a provider that is judged post by post. Every one counts so, I try to make it count 5 times a day if I must.

I don't know why I bother with it at times, I could post memes and write one article a day and get similar value in a fraction of the time. Where is the real value in that though, how does it help anyone other than me do less work?

Anyway, that is my Saturday night ramble, that is where it led. You want to know what is fucked up? It is 4 am here and writing this article makes me want to write another two. I will try not to, but I have to force myself to stop.

Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]