A Letter To My Unborn Child

P. O. Box 9 months,
Mother's womb.

Hey stranger,
It is with unprecedented joy that I write to you. I'm essentially doing this so as to familiarize myself with you. When you touch base on earth, don't clench those fingers; you definitely will open them to till the soil, should you come as a man. But before i make promises which I may not be able to fulfill , let me tell you who I am.

First of all, I could be your father and that is up to your mother to prove -she's got a number of unsolicited male friends. Should it turn out that you are my blood, then I can confidently meet with the boys and crack some bottles - my hard work has paid off.
You will grow to become a beautiful lady, and the guys won't give you a break - desperately wanting to taste the forbidden fruit. My dear, you will have to be careful : I won't wait a second to throw you out of my rat-infested mansion, if you end up with a pregnancy of an unknown identity. Best I can do is to downsize your bowl of fufu . You see how loving I can be?

Should you be another Adam, don't sag those pants - boxer shorts are underwears, not outerwears. Wash that body twice daily, although you will eventually go to an all-boys school. If you turn 18, and realize those hormones are giving you sleepless nights and always tempting you to touch Eve, young man, you better zip up those chinos - life after orgasm is tough.

I wouldn't bore you with this lengthy message. Find attached to this letter, an audiovisual of how i met your mother.
I look forward to seeing you in the shortest possible time.

Regards,
Yo papa.