TIRED EYES

Have you ever felt so conflicted about life,
waking up is both a blessing and a curse?

The moment you open your eyes, thousands of thoughts begin to rush through your head.
Thoughts about death, promises, love, the future, problems, and everything else, all cobbled up in your mind like tiny little pieces of glass fragments bouncing around your head.

Sleeping was hard enough, and getting enough sleep was a struggle.
Not knowing if you'll ever want to wake up the next day and face another episode of this miserable life.
And yet you are forced too..
Because the norm dictates us to live.
To move on.
Forcing yourself to push through each day and barely making it out.
At the end of the day you just feel tired and blank.
Defeated and worn out.

You sleep with the conviction that things will be okay by tomorrow,
But deep inside you, you know you're fooling yourself.
Fake promises.
Promised lies of recovery.
Then you wake up and tears just fall uncontrollably because you just can't understand yourself..
You want to be happy.
You want to feel happiness.
But everything you know is fake,
And changing that will prove costly.

You never know what will happen,
What will this day bring.
So you gather yourself and prepare for the worst.
That at any moment all things might crumble to the ground,
And you'd be left contemplating yet again the importance of your existence in the lives of the people around you.

You see, this disease has taken over me,
The unrest,
The anxiety of having to think through each and every possible scenario of how I would fail.

But I've become adept at it, I know.
I've come to master the art of not giving in to my demons when I'm around people.
A mask, you might say.
One that I wear everytime I wake up and go out.
One that I'm forced to wear.

All these thoughts run through me as I fix myself for the day ahead.
I wipe the tears and hide the scars.
Time to wear the fake smile that everybody loves.
Time to wear the mask that everyone knows.
But the lingering feeling of uncertainty never leaves,
Inside the mask is someone helpless,
Someone trying to understand what's happening inside his mind.

I live through the day in horror that the mask falls off,
Not that they would care enough.
But being afraid that if it falls,
My whole life falls too,
In shattering fashion.
Picking the pieces will be just as humiliating as it is painful.
A Breaking-
Defining-
Ending-
moment.

I'm tired. Really tired.

I could tell you everything honestly but I lost myself in my world of thoughts yet again and it's almost 8:00 AM.
I have to hurry, the fake world awaits another soul into its mix.
I wipe the tears,
And wear the mask I left on the floor.

TIRED EYES