RE: The Verse Of The Damned (poetry)
I really appreciate the well written comment @intspekt. I agree with everything you've said as well. I've always felt some kind of kinship with people who take their own life as stupid as that may sound to a lot of folks. I tried myself when I was 27 and ended up in the hospital for a torturous night of having my stomach pumped and I swore I'd never do it again. After all the things that has transpired in the years since, I've lived a whole other lifetime since that day full of joy and sorrow deeper than I could've ever imagined and I still have resisted and stayed around, not just for my children, but out of this strange curiosity. The thought to me that many find them selfish is alien concept to my mind. They are just more brave and willing to do it rather than stay in a place full of shallow and meaningless arguments. I don't want to see them go but I get it, I understand. I look longingly at my shot gun every other day myself. I think I do it on purpose to just remind me that I should not do it. I don't want my kids to not have any parents left. Even after they leave the nest I plan to just disappear and live the rest of my life camping from place to place.
I look at depression as something that certain folks just have to live with and sometimes it is why they die, just like any other disease, but it's just harder and more mysterious thing to treat. I'm not sure.
<3
I know exactly what you mean. For people who seem to get called crazy so much...there seems to be a lot of rationality in the thoughts, the reasons, that lead to suicide. Maybe that's the hardest thing for onlookers to admit. These 'terrible' actions are reflective of truths in life. Not mental disease, but reality. I think depression is a true disease, but I can't deny the things in life that cause it either. Your comment means a lot. Thanks. And there is that dividing line in life, it seems, between when it was an honest option and when you've taken it off the table, and only you really know that you have, maybe it still is a temptation. But that comfort, memento mori, that's what it is. It's soothing. I keep the same. I really thought for the longest time I wouldn't make it past my 20's. 27 club, it was on my mind, every year that led up to it. I think the humor in it to me is that when you would've attempted it, or did, you hadn't seen half the shit that you would in life. Haha. You were just getting started, speaking generally, but you know the worst was yet to come. I'm sure you do get that. Live and learn, I guess. That's why old folks laugh about the blackest stuff. Been there crossed that bridge lol, long ago, they thought they wouldn't make it either, but they did.
Coming back to this, after thinking. What I left just didn't feel complete. I really do know what you mean, about hanging around for the sake of curiosity and concern for others. I agree, though, I don't understand the reactions people have to that kind of death either. It's frustrating. Anyway, I guess I just want to say I do wish you the best in coping, whatever ways you do. I don't mean it in such a bleak way like life is all that bad all the time, but I think I understand trying to live with this thing lurking in the shadows at all times. Depressing, pain, some sense of loss. Like the last thing you said. I'm not sure - what to make of any of it, the fact of it being there, the reality of coping with it, or what ways people choose to escape it. I just know it's there. Sometimes you read things and they really do make you think. This post was really touching to me. That second photo, it's like a funeral procession of complete strangers for someone they'll never know anything about except that they never made it across. A life lost, a reason to stop, possibly an act of bravery as much as an unfortunate end. Maybe someone finally found their peace, the kind they never could in life. To imagine all the thoughts people have had while crossing that gorge... <3
I can't say that I understand or have any answers. I don't look at the world scientifically or really all that logically. I know that for me what started long ago as something maybe situational has turned into a permanent condition. I think it's for me because I try to understand the world emotionally because I do write songs ,poems, or whatever. That's how I try and relate to the world. I have come to realize that I'm very empathetic to not only people but all animals and the world in general. I used to envy those who don't view the world through that lens, but I gotta say that it's them for the most part that have dragged these feelings down into the dark because I can't relate to them nor them to me. They are the ones who demonize depression and suicide. It's easy to be clinical about life. It's easy to say "Why can't you be more positive? Why are you so negative?" It's a lonely feeling. I feel like most of the time I'm moving in slow motion while most people are moving fast just trying to get more shit. I wonder why they need more shit...
All I can say is thank mother nature for weed. <3