can i tell you what it’s like?

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i want to tell you what it’s like. i want to tell you. you should listen. imagine tears and grief and crying so violent your whole body trembles and writhes and shakes and it snaps you in half against your will and it feels like your heart’s going to thrust itself up out of your throat and beat its last right in front of your goddamn gasping face. imagine a sadness so bad it drags you to the floor as you sob your soul out and as you’re doing so it speaks to you with great persuasion, it says kill yourself with whatever’s within reach, go ahead now, stab yourself with that kitchen knife right there, it'll be easy, it'll be fine, you’re doing great now. Use your belt to hang yourself from your pullup bar, that's right it'll be fine you're a champ! Take all the pills that’s right you got plenty saved up now so why not see what happens if you take them all, you got this, champ and/or toss yourself off that cliff as if you don’t matter, which you don’t. you don’t matter, imagine whatever hell means to you, and then imagine living in that imagined hell of yours right now right here on earth, forever, every day of your goddamn fucking useless and painful life, and that’s more or less what it’s like. you think i give a shit about the afterlife? fuck, if i make it through the currentlife without shooting myself in the fucking head, i’ll be ready for anything that’s waiting for me in the great beyond. fuck your worldview,
and thanks for listening
to @nemosum
i am @nemosum
i am nobody
but i’m the kind of nobody who survives
i am a survivor
i am the unnamed survivor in your life
and i am everywhere, in fact
you see me everywhere you go,
every day, in fact,
you see me and you don’t know i’m in your life,
you don’t know
i’m still alive,
i'm still in your life,
somehow,
i’m still alive
you see me at the coffee shop
at the bus stop
on the el
and in the elevator
you see me everywhere
i’m here
and then i’m there
and then i’m not
and then i’m nowhere,
which is fine,
because no,
try as i might,

i cannot tell you what it’s like,

so it doesn’t matter,
nothing matters,

nemo sum
nemo sum