Poem about a Mugging - Funny

When my guard was down
they attacked from behind
With a blow to the head -
now I wake up to find

There's a sort of red mist
in front of one eye
And my tongue's gone all rubbery
and my mouth is so dry.

There's a part of my head
that floats on its own
And a pain when I move
that just makes me groan.

My stomach and its contents
have ceased to be friends
And are now parting company
via both ends.

I ought to get up
but I'm frightened to try,
I just want to lie here
and hope that I'll die.

I can't understand
how I came to be caught
By those two nasty muggers

red wine and port.