Ulog 184: "Recluse" Isn't Just A Word... It's A Way Of Life
Merriman Webster said it best when defining the word "recluse" {Noun} in these two ways.
marked by withdrawal from society : SOLITARY
a person who leads a secluded or solitary life
Actress Greta Garbo was one. Chess champion Bobby Fischer was another. Author J.D. Salinger was one. Even the Grinch from Dr Seuss' notoriety was one.
Now you may be wondering why this word (recluse) is the topic of this post. So let me explain how it started.
I've always been a self-proclaimed hermit; as I love my home and solitude, and I've never hidden that fact, but what I find odd... weird and even as a subliminal (subconscious) message, is that this was my first thought as I came out of anesthesia from my surgery three weeks ago.
I know... weird! But that was my first thought and ever since then I have been attempting to analyze why that word came to my conscious mind as I was waking up.
Of all the possible things I could be thinking at that moment in time, why "recluse". Was it a subconscious thought that my brain was sending me? One has to steer towards this considering my past desires to not leave home and my recent fights with my inner self about safety away from the homestead.
Ever since my auto collision in September 2018, I have been staying home more. Leaving the confines of my home and homestead are the furthest thoughts from my mind. Getting behind the wheel of a vehicle, or even being a passenger, I get anxious and hesitant. I keep having these memories of the semi-truck's horn blowing, feeling the blow to my SUV as I lurched into the intersection and I get heart palpitations thinking about hearing the ambulance and police sirens in the distance as I knew they were coming because of me.
The word "Agoraphobia" comes to mind here.
"Agoraphobia" means:
Agoraphobia is often misunderstood to be simply a fear of leaving home, however, this is not quite accurate. Agoraphobia is a phobia of being in a situation where escape would be difficult or impossible, or help would be unavailable if a panic attack should occur
Yes, this sounds like me...
When speaking of the "escape"... I think about when I drive or am a passenger and I am constantly looking in the mirrors to see if a semi-truck is behind me. If there is, then my eyes are scanning for a safe place to pull over and let the BIG 18-wheeler pass me by. Giving me some space between us... whether physically or mentally.
Right now winter weather and my recovery have me staying home more frequently, as I use these as an excuse every morning when I wake up to tell myself "today's a good day to stay home".
Last week we had a bad winter storm warning out and I used that opportunity to place a store to home delivery for a few essentials we would need for the next week. I placed an order online... paid for the goods... and waited for "Erica" to deliver them at the requested time. Dang stores are feeding into my anxiety by offering up these services.
I even signed up for auto ship for our dogs' food and treats. I told myself this was for preventing me to have to go to the store and haul the 50-pound bags of food more than necessary.
And curses to Amazon and their "one-day" and two-day free shipping guarantee as a Prime Member. I have yet (and I use that word loosely here) to try out the two-hour grocery delivery service that is offered through Whole Foods' mainly because I fear I will not have a (semi) local store that I can utilize (not being in their delivery area).
And trust me, if there is another way to get essentials delivered to my homestead door, I will FIND them.
Resource Of Well known recluses
Resource for Agoraphobia
This post was made from https://ulogs.org
I can relate to not wanting to leave a well loved home. I don't often go out, and as I don't drive, I can't just hop in the car and go. But I didn't have a trauma as you did. I just prefer to be here, it has all I need.
My husband does most of the shopping. I don't think I'd resort to online shopping as I prefer to see what I am buying, the little we need to buy that is.
I wish we had the sustainability to not go to the store as often as we do. Maybe someday we will.
Hugs from one hermit to another! My grocery delivery person's name was Josh. My MS makes it difficult for me to get out, and I am realizing how much I am enjoying using it as an excuse to be housebound. I even borrow my library books on line.
"Excuse" is a word I always referred to it as also, but lately I've changed it my choice or my way of life.
I haven't been to our little library in forever... I use my tablets to read books- forgot to mention I signed up for Amazon's kindle unlimited reader program too
I read everything on my Kindle. I have hesitated with Kindle Unlimited because it doesn't appear to include the books/authors that I choose to read.
You are right. This is my choice, not an excuse. ❤️
Hi @goldendawn. I can understand your hesitancy in being out in the public going all the time just to be out there. I too had an accident in which I was pushed out into the oncoming traffic. It was horrifying because ou don't have any control over the situation. After the incident, I was always second-guessing myself and extra to look out for others following too closely or heading toward me in the opposite direction. When others don't pay attention and run red lights, it diminishes your confidence in your ability to gauge certain situations on the the road, even when the incident was not your fault.
At one point, I was trying to look out for everyone on the road. That only stressed me out by the time I reached my destination. i was worn out "looking out" and not paying attention to my own driving. I had to change.
I don't go out as much as I used to even 10 years ago. My back and knees keep me out of the stores shopping. After 15 minutes, I can't take it any longer. Then I have a 3-day nursing my knees back to semi-health.
I don't utilize the delivery services. I do a lot of online shopping and home delivery. After I heard about how Amazon treats its employees just to comply with the paid Prime service, I refuse to use them.
I stay at home for a different reason. Whenever you step out your door, it costs you unnecessary money you didn't intend to spend, unless you're going for a walk or to exercise.
You should be able to go or stay whenever and wherever you want. No explanation or excuses necessary.
Thanks for sharing our experiences. Well wishes on your continued recovery. Have a good day doing whatever on your homestead.
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I am sorry for what you went through.
I hate this saying, but it is what it is, I just have to reconfigure things in my daily life. I'm adjusting for the most, but some tasks really frustrate me.
I'm not afraid to leave my house, but I'm reluctant to on weekdays during the daytime, because I have to drive on the roads. I only go out when I must, though in the evenings and weekends it's not as bad, so going out for dinner or a show is still a pleasurable experience.
I was a passenger in a car that was in a serious accident when I was 17, and I felt very much the way you've described your feelings after the accident. Thanks for sharing your story. :)