He Said / She Said - Week 2 - Lost In Translation
For those who are new to my blog. This series is a joint post between myself and my husband. He is sitting here beside me writing his view on this topic. We wanted to show the differences between the two of us and demonstrate how those differences can be bridged respected and cherished. I will provide a link to his post so you can read his side of the story.
When @wwf and I were first got back together we would spend the day with the kids. That meant school meals and playing, you know the usual day. We put our kids to bed at 7 pm. At the time the boys were 7 and 5. As soon as they were to bed we could get comfortable on the couch and begin our talk for the night. These conversations would usually last until 10 or 11 pm. We did this every night for months with out fail. At first we talked about the past and how we screwed up and the changes that we wanted to make in the NEW relationship. We quickly realized that we were two different people because we changed so much when we were apart. That it actually was a new relationship even though we looked the same to each other.
During this process we discovered that we were using the same words but at times we were not meaning the same thing. This led us to the idea that we needed to translate things to each other. So we began a sentence with: When you say ... I hear .... This is how we managed to create our own language as a couple.
Part of good communication and translating what each other is saying is trust. This takes quite a bit of trust on both parts. We had to establish trust boundaries when talking. At first when we started talking in our long conversations things would get heated because we didn't understand our languages. When having these conversations we needed to have patience and allow the other person to fully express themselves. Sometimes I am not good at this so he needed patience to allow me to be able to think clearly and to put into words what I am feeling. Trust also had to happen so there was no attacking what each other said. We created an environment that was safe no matter what.
One thing that we incorporated into our morning schedule is to talk about the day. Sometimes this leads to feeling and other issues. There are mornings where we start talking at 8 am and don't finish until 10 am and the only reason we stop is because we have to get the animals fed and the day started. We have discovered that living together and working together all the time, we need a large amount of communication to be able to work so closely together. Even when we were working in the city at our old jobs we still did quite a lot of talking, we felt we needed this so that we could parent and deal with all the situations together as a unit.
One of the examples I use to help people understand about the different language between people is: I will say to @wwf, we need to go fix the fence today. He hears we need to go fix the fence today. What I mean is you need to go fix the fence today.
Another example is when I want to clean the house. The word clean means something different to me than it does to him. I have learned over the years that to my husband clean means to straighten up and pick the things that he can see in plain view. However clean to me means to pick up the things in plain view but to also wipe down all the surfaces and floors and to wash everything I can see. It took me years to understand this. Now when I say lets clean the house, I can let him do his part, picking up all the stuff he can see and then I finish with wiping everything down.
I have also learned that when I say lets go shopping, I need to clarify what type of shopping I mean. Lets go shopping to me means lets go out for the day, who knows when we will get back, who knows how many places we will go to. I do clarify some of these things but this is a very general statement. When I go shopping with my husband I let him know what type of shopping we are doing, browsing, grocery shopping and or a combination of things. Whether it is going to include lunch or coffee etc. This helps him understand what type of day that he is going to have with me. I find this also gives him the patience that if I want to just brows for an hour or so he is in the mind frame to do this.
Communication is a very large part of a healthy relationship. If we don't communicate with our partner, how are they to know what is happing in our world. Lets face it, even though we are in a relationship we still have our own world and how we deal with things. Allowing my partner to enter into my world and know how I am feeling, what I am thinking etc. helps him understand me and where I am at in any given moment. This takes trust with clear honest communication.
https://steemit.com/reconcilingrelationships/@wwf/he-said-she-said-week-2-lost-in-translation
Brilliant! Thanks!
Your most welcome!
Hello there!
I have been reading your husband's posts for several weeks and came across this collaborative post of yours over at his :)
It seems to me that you have managed to work out what works for you both and are on the same page.
Of course the key to any great relationship is honesty and the sharing of similar expectations.
These days I am in an honourable relationship but in the past talking to my ex husband was impossible as he was a consumate liar and cheat.
I am happy that you guys appear to have found your groove.
Upvoted/Followed I invite you to pop by mine for a browse ~ I have a post about LOVE which may resonate. You can read it here.
With Love.
xox
Thank you for reading! Yes we have found our groove. It is good to hear that you are in a better relationship. It makes it so much easier when there is honor in a relationship. Good for you. I will check out your posts. Take care
So true, I find conversations with my man get heated more often then not, but we have the intent of investing and staying together so we always find a way to resolve. He had a troublesome divorce situation to deal with growing up, so he tended to shut down, change the subject, or leave. He didn't even realize he was doing it I had to point it out and force him to deal with reality. I hope we can find a balance in communicating at some point, I know the limitations of our English language and vocabularies are a big problem. So wer studying Spanish lol, I would love to learn German as well, they have much better ways to convey thoughts, ideas, etc.
ehh thats a good idea! we are learning Japanese so we can convey things in different languages as well. You can say things in so many ways in english its incredible. Maybe other languages will be simpler lol.
That is a great point about the English language. Yes it is so convoluted. Actually speaking another language might help. Also learning another language might bring a couple closer as well.
It is sometimes difficult to move someone through old pattens. Good for you in sticking through it with him. Lots of patience there.
Understanding our language filters and even our love filters is so important. What represents love and commitment to one doesn't necessarily mean love and commitment to another. What means conflict to one doesn't mean conflict to the other. All of this is so dependent on our upbringing, our culture, and our experiences. It's impossible for another person to simply intuit all of this...and so communicating about it, and building self awareness in order to communicate about it has such importance. Thank-you for sharing. This was right on point for me today <3
You have brought up some very good points. I forgot about the love filters. They are just as important. Our upbringing plays a huge part in how we communicate and interact with others.
Hope it helped. Thanks so much.
This is really helpful haha, @offgridninja and I also have a lot of these communication differences. We have naturally figured some of them out, and they are pretty similar to yours. Its good to put it out in the open that clarification is an intention and important in a relationship.
Thank you for sharing!
You are so right. Clarification and intention are extremely important. I am glad that the two of you have been able to figure some of them out. That certainly makes things a bit easier.
Yeah it does, we are still learning from each other too!
Hi @carey-page, thanks for this amazing writing. I am a regular visitor now to @wwf's blogs as I am also part of #stewardsofgondor like him.
This is my first interaction with you and I am sure there will be many more to follow after today's introduction.
Well, you said about kids, making your husband understand what you are trying to say and then I say you hear conversation, but what really amazing is that, you guys are on same page when it's something we need to do means he needs to do.
You guys are really great to understand the conversation in a different language and then to listen to each other patiently to overcome all those now and lead a happy life. I think love is like that only ;)
Yes, the communication with whatever we do is utmost important, not just in your case, but in everyone's case as a whole, even we might do what we were suppose to do, but if we don't communicate about that with our partner, there is most of the time scope of misunderstanding.
Glad you guys overcome everything and have a common understanding on most of the things if not everything.
Great going @carey-page and @wwf.
Wishing you more success and many more such writings for us.
Have a great day :) Following you now.
Hi @coolguy123 thank you for the introduction. It is good to hear from you.
I really believe if we as humans could allow ourselves to relax, be in each moment and allow the past issues to stay in the past we would have better conversations overall. Learning the language of each person in our lives in very intricate. Obviously it wouldn't be as detailed with an acquaintance. I feel that if each person within a relationship would share openly and feel safe, again relationships would be so different.
Our system doesn't put enough emphasis on learning relationships. Well they don't put enough emphasis on many of the important things, relationships definitely one of them.
Thank you for all your support. I appreciate it very much. I will check out your blog. Hope to share with you more in the future.
Oh, you are most welcome.
Well said about putting the past to past and think about future and trust each other without giving an option for misunderstanding.
Sure, looking forward to more interactions. :)
You are so right!
Have a great day :)
Communication in any relationship is so important and males and females do speak different languages. There is no doubt in my mind. But once you get in the habit of translating each others words, then the real communication can begin.
Well said! Actually we had to really think back to when we first began communicating in this was. It is so normal to us that we don't even think about the fact that we talk our own language between the two of us. Most people who are around us don't notice because we are using regular English but it is said in our own way.
My hope is one day all relationships will be able to communicate well and with trust and honesty. It would make our world more peaceful.
It would indeed!