Breakups and Breakdowns

I never planned on writing about my feelings. I mean everyone blogs about their feelings or how to deal with feeling things you've never felt, or don't know how to feel about. But, already two sentences in and I feel better.

A few years ago when my very first boyfriend and I broke up I said to myself "If I ever go through this again I want to make sure it's not for the same reasons."

But guess what! I'm now going through my second big breakup and i'm finding some similarities between the two heartbreaks. And I'm finding that those similarities have one thing in common, and that one thing would be me. I found out that I love hard in the beginning of a flame. I burn hot, I say things guys want to hear, I do things guys want a girl to do, I put out constantly and more importantly I seem happy doing all of those things. As time goes on and the relationship matures into something other than puppy love and things start progressing, something in my heart starts to digress. The words "I love you" once filled my body and came bursting from my mouth throughout the day, like I couldn't wait to say it. Now those words just feel cold and empty, like saying "I love you" is just another way to hang up the phone faster. And I sit here a little bit bummed out and I think to myself why am I even bummed out. I'm the one asking for space, I'm the one who wants this breakup so why am I so fucking upset?

And I think I found my answer. I'm still fucking upset because I met a man, and I fell so hard for that man. I left my life for that man. I moved out of my beautiful downtown apartment that I truly loved, to move in with him and share a life. I got rid of all of my things because with two of us living together, who needs that many things laying around? I cleaned his apartment every day, I did the dishes after he would cook, I did all of the laundry after he would throw it all on the ground, and I would make sure everything looked presentable to at least me, while he would lay on the couch and ask me to stop cleaning and tell me it was late and I should be relaxing. I should have realized then what was happening. I started to lose a grip on having my own routine. I stopped doing things for myself because doing those things interfered with our time on the couch together. I didn't clean. I only did dishes when I had to, and nothing else really ever got done, unless he was at work or just not around for a few minutes.
My happiest mornings used to be on Sunday when he and I would wake up in each others arms at around 11 am, we would put on a record and make breakfast together, I'd wear a blanket and he'd wear his pj's. I was sure those mornings were what dreams were made of. But eventually the breakfast wouldn't cook itself, and the record player was as still as the night. I would sleep until 2pm just to avoid seeing him before he went to work, and I would call him later that day and pretend to be stressed out that I slept so long and use that as an excuse for me being in a sour mood all day. But really I was stressed out and in a sour mood because I didn't want to be around him. But actually telling someone that you loved so much that you don't want to be around them is a lot fucking harder than it sounds.
He recently moved to Royal Oak, Michigan to pursue a new job opportunity, and I moved back in with my dad. Bless my dads heart. There had been some talk about me one day moving to Royal Oak and starting a life there with him. But today I woke up and I realized something.

I can never move to Royal Oak with him.

I also realized that I genuinely do not want a life partner right now.

I am 23 years old, and that's the last time I give up any of my freedom to be a part of someone else's routine. And I understand now that it's perfectly fine for me to not be ready to share my life with someone else. I should be out with my girlfriends doing whatever I want to do. I should be sitting at home reading books or watching tv alone when I want to, because it turns out I enjoy my own company way more than I thought I did.

And I also think that more people my age should chill on the dating scene. I'll log into Facebook and instantly see eight or nine girls I graduated high school with getting married and having children. Like why are you doing that. Is that actually what you want? To tie yourself down to another kid, have a kid, and then raise said kid fighting with your significant other for the next 18 years about custody? Why don't people try to travel somewhere that they've always wanted to go instead of getting on Tinder and looking for a fuck buddy? It doesn't make sense to me. But then again I guess other peoples lives and what they do with their days isn't my business. The only thing I can say for sure is that I don't need a man in my life to make me feel whole. And that having a man in my life actually doesn't make me feel whole at all it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin and disappear abroad for months. And nobody needs that.

Now to the man who I once loved with everything built up inside of me, thank you. Thank you for taking your time with me and taking your time to learn me. To learn my body, to learn my ins and outs. Thank you for being here for me always, and thank you for showing me how high you could hold me before you dropped me on my back. There's a solid half of me that still wishes I could go back in time, that we could go back in time to the night I grabbed onto your arm at the bar and said "Nice watch, is that a Shinola?". I would re spend every single one of the good days we had together with you. I would do all of the good parts over again and let those days play my life out forever. But I can't do that. Life keeps moving and some things will never be the way that they were. That's just something I can't change. But I also can't change those memories and for that, I will be forever grateful.

So for now I'll sit here and keep thinking about everything that's happened. And in a few months I'll revisit this post and see how I'm feeling then.

Heartbreak is real you guys, and it's confusing. But at any rate thank you for reading this and please god share some experiences and comments. I know I'm not alone in this!

Happy Tuesday, everyone. Steem on.