Open letter to my Critical Inner Voice

Dear CIV,

Hi! How are you? You’ve been a part of my life for so long I couldn’t remember. I guess since the time we met, we were always together. No one can separate us. My friends back in school introduced you to me. When they called me ugly names, that’s when you started coming to me. And when all of my crushes then didn’t look at me the way I want them to see me. Also, I found you when I learn the concept of beauty and ugly in Professor Society’s vocabulary.

At a young age, I already found you in my mirror too. Since then, you’re always there for me. I always run to you. Defended you. I don’t know. You have safeguard me from hurt and shame. You were my go to when I wasn’t sure about myself. It felt right before. I relied in you so much that I became blind with your true identity. Now that I see things clearly, I have a few words for you. Get out of my life. I no longer need you. I realized, I should have never entertained you in the first place.

Here are the things I hate that you existed:

1. I could have been part of the journalism staff of my school if you didn’t ask me to back off since I don’t have the capability to write. You shut me out from the opportunity to even learn!

2. You have prevented me to feel deeply toward my friends and be thoughtful because you said they don’t feel the same way, anyway.

3. You lured me into believing that nobody will going to pursue me because I am not beautiful. You love to pinpoint all my unpleasing features. You let me ridicule my own self.

4. I could have been part of the university academic scholar if only you didn’t lead me to believe I wouldn’t last there until I graduate. I would just disappoint everyone who trusted me. And, I am not smart enough. You could have thrown me in a lifetime of misery! (And you knew damn well how much pain a debt of gratitude could inflict humans if mishandled.)

5. You asked me to keep silent when that bitchy girl accused me of flirting with his boyfriend. I was not guilty. Never been involved in that kind of affair. But it felt the same. You had me believe I couldn’t stand up for myself. And I’ll just embarrassed myself anyhow.

6. You always tell me that I don’t matter to my friends or to anyone. That leads me to hate them and think they are not worthy of my time. I carry the wall that I built between us in my heart that I feel breathless every time they make a petty step on my toes.

7. You told me that being nice is a sign of weakness and a fatal flaw. This is ridiculous. But you said no one will reciprocate it, and so I thought every kindness offered to me was in bad faith.

8. You make me question the immense power of God in our lives. You even let me think I am not worthy of His love and attention. You let me think I am forgotten; and only rich, famous and beautiful deserved His blessing.

9. You let lose all the possibilities that I could be truly, truly happy. I cry every time I remember those unnecessary unfounded preservation.

10. I failed to appreciate the goodness or achievement of others because I was so focused in tending you.

11. I let myself be leashed under your malicious spell.

Now, I am setting myself free from your embrace. I am breaking off with you. You did nothing but take away all the love I have in myself and my friends and innocent strangers. You robbed me my freedom. You kept me in a box. You ruined my dreams. You made me feel small and obnoxious.

Now, I am crafting another dreams for myself and gradually waking up my dormant childhood dreams. I am risking my chance to anything that I know would make me happy. If I get hurt or face shame, then I’ll dust it off, stand up, and build another dreams and take risk again. Yes, you have protected me. But what did I get from it? Nothing. All you left are what ifs and a mountain of regrets. And if I continue to listen to you, I will be nothing for as long as I live.

Yes, I am not perfect. Will never be. But I guess I don’t need any more of your validation to know what will make me one. I won't give you another chance to shape what fits for me.

This is such a wonderful world. I have only one life to live. I will no longer let you drive my life. Darn, how can I be that much of a fool?

Well, my friend, oops, nope. You were never a friend. So you, son of a bitch, bastards and douche, goodbye. I hope you will never ever be entertained by anyone.

Please just rot in hell. No one wants you in this world.

SMH,

Chayenne

(Thank you for taking your precious 3 minutes reading this. Maybe there is also someone out there that is suffering from the oppression of their critical inner voice. Let them be aware of it. Please share if you must. This is a battle we need to face. Visit Critical Inner Voice for more articles of self-love and getting rid of our insecurities. God speed!)

The “Critical Inner Voice” describes the part of us that is turned against ourselves. It is the defended, negative side of our personality that is opposed to our ongoing development. The voice consists of the negative thoughts, beliefs and attitudes that oppose our best interests and diminish our self-esteem. It encourages and strongly influences self-defeating and self-destructive behavior. This hostile, judgmental advisor also warns us about other people, promoting angry and cynical attitudes toward others and creating a negative, pessimistic picture of the world. -PsychAlive