Christmas has been bittersweet for me. In childhood I was always excited about Christmas, especially decorating the Christmas tree and knowing there would be a gift from Santa.

But the years have brought much heartbreak at Christmas. When I was 16, my 5 yr old brother was tobogganing down the driveway, went out onto the main road and was strike fatally by car on Christmas Eve. There was a lot of snow and the road was icy. The video of that day goes through my head as I type this. I can see his sweet face and how he could never pronounce R’s. He called my little sister Rose..Wose. They were only a yr. apart in age.

It was a custom then to have the wake in the home. Our dog never left the casket for the two days Kevin’s tiny body lay in the casket. Friends and relatives came through the home to view his body and give condolences to our family. It was a total nightmare to come downstairs in the morning and see his still body in the casket. My mother was never one for outward affection or for celebrations and after this she definitely never felt right about making a fuss at Christmas.

Years after my brother’s death, my own child, who I named Kevin after my brother, was killed in an vehicle accident on Christmas Day.

It’s been twenty years now since his passing and I try not to be a downer at Christmas.

After my son’s passing, father was getting fragile and came to live with me. it was a good for me to have him around. It seems I was just starting to put up some decorations for Christmas when my father passed a couple days before Christmas.

I’m thinking, “What was my best Christmas memories?”
It has to be Christmas Eve, the night before my son passed. We celebrated Christmas dinner a day early because he was going on that fatal trip to visit his father Christmas Day. We laughed a lot and even talked about death. I told him, for some unknown feeling, you better not pass ahead of me. Our last words to each other were I love you.”