A lonely eyes is a lonely heart

10:35 am, Monday, 24th April 2017. I slept late last night and so I over slept. I have to stay up in the night and do some stuffs which actually, the world don't matter. Its quite good because I had the chance to arrange my files, back-it-up to my external drives, deleting unwanted files, screening all my photos and music, editing my facebook pages, customizing my blog sites and other stuffs I used to ignore. I have to stay up all night for those stuffs..... uhhmmm....no.... I stayed up all night just to make sure I can have a better sleep if I lay down in my bed, not doing my unpleasant habit of overthinking. I want to make sure that If I lay down in the bed, I can able to close my eyes without seeing and hearing anything. Just a peaceful night, no fantasies and nightmares, no what if's and flashing back of old memories. Just a peaceful sleep, a long and quite sleep. And so I woke up late. I went to the kitchen to find some food to eat. I am starving since last night and so I grab my cup immediately and put some coffee in it. I sat in the dinning table checking what food is available. Scrambled egg and bread. I grab some and start zipping my coffee. When the coffee pass through my throat, its feels like the caffeine instantly activated all my brain cells and release serotonin which gives me a feeling of depression and sadness. All the questions start to pop-up in my head, all the what if's, the why's and other memories started flashing back to my head.

I ran to my room and face the mirror. As I stare to my reflection,-- chubby face, bloated tummy, dark skin, dry skin, freckles around the cheeks- is this the reason why I loose my self-confidence? Is this the reason of my sadness and depression? I wonder why I always feel this way. As I ponder for a few seconds, I began to think, what makes me happy? Maybe by finding the key of my own happiness may also resolve the reasons why I keep falling to depression/sadness mode. What is my true happiness? Where and how to identify it? I closed my eyes for a few minutes and tried to recall the part why I feel unhappy, the result is heart breaking. I was in 3rd Grade and my mom promise me she'll attend the Parents' meeting and collect my school card. Since she is a school teacher in secondary level of the same school I'm attending, most of the time she missed to attend my school activities. So I believe her when she promise this time and told my classmates that finally, she'll attend this time. Its been 1:30 pm, the meeting will start in 2:00 pm but my mother hasn't arrive yet. Time passes, 2:00, 2:30, 3:00 pm. My best friend's mom told me she'll get my card for me because my mom told her to do so. She can't skip the class that's why she didn't came. I feel my heart was broken. I refuse to cry because I don't want my classmate to see me crying. I told myself its okay, besides this isn't the first time she broke her promises. I had so many school activities she did not attend. I dance and sing in the school and she did not see it. I joined different school activities and she's not there. So why complain this time? After that, I learned to hide and repressed my emotions.

A happy heart is a happy mind. A happy mind is a happy self. When you're happy inside it will reflects in your outside self. It can be seen in our eyes. William Shakespeare said, "The eyes are the windows to the soul" and I believe that. True happiness of a person can be found in their eyes. Many people tried to hide their true feelings but you can't just fake the fact that no matter how hard you laugh and smile in front of the crowd, you're eyes don't do the same. It's so magical. Our eyes can define a persons' happiness.

Its been 22 years now. Its been 22 years since my heart was first broken. A broken promises to a 8 year old kid. Full of hopes and excitement. Its just a living proof that all promises are made to be broken.

From my very first puppy love in grade school, to first love in high school, heartaches in college, all have similarities, one promises and they all broke it. Now I'm old enough, why until now I can't be used of it? Why it still pissed me off a lot? Why it tortures me? Why I still hope? Why I can't accept it? I'm old enough, my age is almost out of the calendar but it feels like I'm still an 8 year old. Why its so important to me? Why I can't accept the fact that truth really hurts and this is the reality? Why I'm so bothered and you're too relax of everything? Why I'm so upset and you're still cool? Why change? Why not stick to your promises? You asked me if I'm happy? Look into my eyes and there you'll see the key.