Confused. Love. Part I.

around two months ago, one crucial change i've had. I'm finally able to discover the blind spot of my emotion. to be able to feel, to know, to realize, to understand one specific feeling/emotion, to have a special feeling, having a crush on someone. it was quite shocking for me because it's my first time. at that time, i was wondering a lot "why i keep thinking about her", "why i'm feeling like this towards her", looking for reasons and rationalization, and finally acknowledging that this is what it feels when having a crush on someone. i am often like many people, but it's my first time to have this kind of feeling. it's just weird lol.

i'm happy to be able to understand this type of emotion, but at the same time i also feel sad, why it has to be her, and why at times like this, in which i'm not stable yet at the moment, my crisis, my self-development progress. from all the foolish things i've done to her when i'm bored, to when she listens to my stories every day, and to when i confide/discuss my feelings toward her to herself directly lol (e.g my confusion, my worries/fears, etc).

i think she's pretty much can be frank towards me, but in some cases, she just gonna skip my question entirely. around two weeks ago, i asked her this, more or less "A: i wanted to pursue you, i want to know you more, i need you, i want to be able to talk with you all the time, every day, about everything. or B: you make rules between us, to create visible boundaries. or be mad at me. or block me, please, so i don't have any chance to pursue you."
well, she didn't respond, she didn't give any answer. like wtf, whyy.. i thought the answer should be simple enough, A or B. it's quite annoying that she skipped that question entirely.

she should've understood that i've been struggling with my feelings toward her. just why, why she behaves like that. for her to not respond that question, literally means i'm gonna keep pursuing her. what a wack, i'm confused lol.

i often think that she should've just blocked me, i deserve that. and it's for her sake. i'm just no one, i'm pretty much have done too many things in which logically should've made her uncomfortable, annoyed, irritated, etc.

we're just friends, the situation between us, for me our relationship is just weird, not sure what she thinks about it. considering all the conditions & situations of her life, one of them is that she's also having a crisis, just like me. it's just too weird for me to acknowledge that she still there for me, responding to me, even though she knew my feelings toward her and what my intentions are.

until now, we still had conversation on daily basis, sometimes about me, about her, or random topics. it's just that i started reducing any topics about my feelings toward her.