Sometimes you can't make it on your own

sjkennedy (42)in #strokerecovery • 7 years ago (edited)

A year and a half ago I moved in with my folks to assist with caring for my father following an thrombotic stroke, which left him disabled, and also to get back on my own feet after a difficult breakup. Our family had already been on the ropes absorbing the tragic death of my nephew and Godson, Charlie, just a few months prior. And today, though we are healing, it remains an ordeal watching my father withering on the vine and my mother struggling to keep pace with the onerous tasks of caring for Dad. By the grace of God we push forward in thoughts, words, deeds and actions.

There is light at the end of the tunnel as I continue upon this spiritual awakening, which has revealed to me the great joys of living upon this Earth despite it's myriad neighborhood, national and global conflicts, injustices and pains. We will celebrate my father's 72nd birthday later this week, and I'd never have predicted his demise at this young age. Sadly, he'd be on a downward trajectory for several years before the floor dropped out completely. Grieving the loss of a beloved is an enormous weight all its own, and witnessing the suffering of your loved ones can only add to the emotional turmoil. Sometimes we can't make it on our own.

Stroke recovery has no predictable outcome, with some instances of massive hemorrhagic bleeding miraculously culminating in complete restoration of cognitive and motor function (after several years of devoted rehab). In the early stages of rehabilitation, my father showed promising signs that he'd meet the neurologist's prognosis of a full recovery in a year's time. However, it wasn't long after he'd returned home that things deteriorated. I showed him some stretching and strength training exercises he could do with resistance bands while watching TV, but he never once picked up the band I left for him beside his recliner. He was more interested in flipping channels for another rerun of some 50's movie, or daily episodes of Jeopardy. Other than PT a couple times weekly, he's mostly in front of the television, or asleep in bed. My mother dutifully wheels him about to the bathroom, or kitchen, where she prepares his meals 3 times daily. She even goes to the trouble of setting him up on the back porch with a glass of red wine and a cigar, his daily ritual for decades. It's a beautiful and heart-wrenching dance to witness.

Through all of this, I've been dealing with own personal challenges. I've had chronic neuromuscular symptoms- joint/ muscle pain/ spasms, neuropathy- only to be prescribed anti-depressants and muscle relaxers by my primary physician. I managed to convince her to authorize a blood test for a genetic mutation, a fairly common Single Nucleotide Polymorphism (SNP), which impairs the body's natural detoxification pathways and metabolism of synthetic folic acid (commonly added to 'enrich' wheat flour). It turned out to produce a positive for heterozygous C677t, a single copy of the mutant allele and a less severe condition than a homozygous gene. Nonetheless, it has likely come into play exacerbating symptoms of adrenal exhaustion, SIBO, fibromyalgia and the like.

I've long been a proponent of natural health, even was a strict vegetarian for several years, before slowly being seduced back to a standard American diet. I never did forgo the healthier alternatives and superfood supplementation, although as budgets would not permit, the mortgage took priority over organic foods. I've been going for massage nearly 20 years, and that has been a wonderful therapy, even if only palliative, anyone who knows chronic pain would appreciate. I've recently included yoga, sauna and more time outdoors working and playing. I do my best to refrain from or curb intake of alcohol, caffeine, refined sugar and flours. I've also included cannabis in my restorative protocol, a combination of CBD oil (non-psychoactive anti-inflammatory), as well as, high quality smokeables and edibles. I recently read an article by a RN citing the endocannabinoid system of humans as a key factor in our health. When it is depleted due to physical, chemical and/or emotional stress, we are prone to dis-ease.

As turbulent as all this has been, it has been a redemptive part of the journey thus far. I recognize my many poor choices and immature behaviors over the years, and I now embrace complete responsibility for all of it. Forgiveness is a powerful force in this Cosmos, and I've found it most difficult not to forgive those who have betrayed or harmed me in any way, but to forgive my self for holding on to the blame and guilt all this time. Fear is so deeply ingrained into our consciousness, hard-wired into our train of thoughts. Forgiveness, Gratitude and Compassion- rinse and repeat- points us in the direction of peace beyond all understanding. Nobody can do it for us, and yet nobody goes it alone.