The Cost of War
I served time in both the Marine Corps 2003-2007 and Army 2008-2015. Growing up watching military movies and heroic acts fueled my desire to serve at any cost. That was a deal I made with the devil that changed me to my core and left deep scars inside. I did spend a year in Iraq, and to be honest, it was tame compared to what some of my friends that truly are heroes went through.
A friend of mine that I had deployed with had a very difficult previous deployment and carried a lot of baggage. For years he kept going forward and things seemed ok. In September 2013 he lost his battle and took his life. He was one of the most calm and collected personalities I knew, and built tough. Everyone loved him.
(His drink of choice)
The vacuum that he left behind was quickly filled with pain that I didn't even show to mutual friends or really anyone after the funeral. I ended up getting hammered drunk after the funeral and took off running down the street like a complete moron where another friend eventually found me passed out sitting on a curb and took me home. I left my own pain unchecked after that and combined with the lingering question "why didn't I do something?". Searching for some way to have been a better friend and prevented this.
Eventually, he became the voice of my guilty conscience, and I am tormented by things he wouldn't ever say. I don't know if it ever goes away, and sometimes the quietest nights are the loudest.
Fiddlers Green
Halfway down the trail to Hell,
In a shady meadow green
Are the Souls of all dead troopers camped,
Near a good old-time canteen.
And this eternal resting place
Is known as Fiddlers Green.
Marching past, straight through to Hell
The Infantry are seen.
Accompanied by the Engineers,
Artillery and Marines,
For none but the shades of Cavalrymen
Dismount at Fiddlers Green.
Though some go curving down the trail
To seek a warmer scene.
No trooper ever gets to Hell
Ere he’s emptied his canteen.
And so rides back to drink again
With friends at Fiddlers Green.
And so when man and horse go down
Beneath a saber keen,
Or in a roaring charge of fierce melee
You stop a bullet clean,
And the hostiles come to get your scalp,
Just empty your canteen,
And put your pistol to your head
And go to Fiddlers Green.
War does something to those who fight the battles and witness the carnage, and live through the haunting feeling of constant impending doom. The soulless, doll-like bodies you see lying shot or blown to pieces force you to confront things most people can go through life ignoring. Good post.
Sorry to hear that. You are good dud. People that went thru war have seen horrifying things for sure. That makes scars on soul. I`m sure you did much for your friend. When someone dies, you always got feeling that you could done more for him, but that is always like that. My dad died 6 months ago, had same feeling.
Dont want to sound like I`m teeling you what you shud do, but here is my opinion. Do what makes you happy. Educate young boys that war is bs. Eventually that pain you feel will stop, scars will be healed.
Love from Croatia.
Thanks for the supportive comment. I am really trying to get people to start talking about it more so we can stop feeling like social pariahs when we leave service.
The thing that gets up my nose the most, is the pretense of these politicians like they care with all the fake tears over dead soldiers. But when the soldiers get home they are treated like shit, and them and their families are just thrown on the scrap heap. they make me sick!
Politicians aren't able to care, civilians want things out of sight out of mind, so we are just some mental basket case, one size fits all. Eventually they will know everything we went through because they saw the movie. We end up being a broken machine that even those that "support" us, really just want to throw a yellow ribbon magnet on their car and forget. Thank us for service, ask us stupid questions. I can't count how many times someone has asked "so how many people did you kill?", so casually too. I haven't had that one in a long time but usually I will make them feel very uncomfortable by returning a question casually back to them "how many times has your husband f$!ked you in the @$$?". They never understand and usually just get offended. The point is that they are mindlessly poking at some of the worst things a person can imagine.
I know what your talking about, I served in the Australian army for 3 years. I didn't go to war when I was in, it was in 1987 - 90, a rare moment in history where not much was happening in the world, luckily for me. I know what your saying about the stupid questions, these stupid people are so brainwashed that they say we should go to war with some country, like it's a sunday picnic. Cheers mate.
A pleasure to make your acquaintance!
Also, check out the new Cost of War blog :)
Just read it now, just small minded a-holes, aren't even worthy of a response.IMO
Yeah, you're right, but maybe discussing it openly will bring understanding that it's not necessarily us that are a problem. It's because of our conversation here that I was reminded of that and thought it I might write solely about it so thank you for the discussion.
It's good to get it out, just don't let it eat you up. It's not worth it. Cheers @lumlum85