Something more personal

Couple days ago I went to see my therapist. We we're talking quite lightly about what has happened in my life in past week. After the conversation she said something that has stick in my mind. She said that my life sound nice and you sound happy about it.

Of course I know how luckily I have been like in past year, how things I couldn't ever imaginate have happened. I think the "turning point" was that my therapist told me about self-compassion and recommended me to read one book about it. I read it, and the thoughts of the book affected me deeply. I felt that that was the thing which I have missed at least from my whole teen age. I started to see things differently step by step, giving myself mercy, comprehension and comfort when ever I needed it. I also started to take care of my body, take notes about condition my body. If it felt stressed and overloaded, I was giving it time to recover. These things probably sound quite odd and maybe obvious when writing them, but that was something which I never have really give to myself.

I have always been worried about people around me, loved my love ones with my whole heart. That was also what my therapist told me, I never have understand it self. But, giving myself something which I need started to change my way of thinking small by small. Even the small changes led me to new situations when my own mind wasn't blocking me right from the start. And it started to work like snowboll, one positive new experience led to another and so on.

Of course I know some of my thoughts are still quite skewed. I notice that still quite often, but now I have power and ability to ask my self are my thoughts close to reality. I can give myself compassion and take rest without feeling guilty. Most important, I have faith that things will get better as I keep take care of myself. I've been in therapy last three year, spoke with my therapist hundreds of hours. I'm not going to agree that those hours would have been futile going back to my old devasting way of thinking.

I'm not sure what was point of this text. I just wrote down thoughts while traveling by train. Maybe I felt this writing thing will help structure my thoughts. And since it's Valentines day, I was also thinking how grateful I'm having some really dear people around me. They have been also in key role giving me hope and believe in some moments when everything has felt useless and I'm not ever gonna reach anything. It's really immeasurable how much they mean to me. I'm quite sensitive mood right now which comes to feelings, but really, life is quite strange and I'm curious to see it in my current way of thinking.