Afternoon Delight: Outside Looking In

Today, I have the courage to escape my thinking room, the nearest mall happened to have this restaurant I frequent with a big balcony overlooking the vast stretch of calm sea, lush mountains, towering palm trees and a carpet of other green trees. It is kind of late for both breakfast and lunch but what to expect from my freedom and solitary days. The sudden bright sun makes me want to sit here for a while and think, or not.

The endless sky is covered with white clouds and some faint blue behind the mountains which I believe is the usual case for October. It is my first October here and perhaps this day is a wonderful time to celebrate for everything I missed. As usual, I wear my oversized sunglasses to have a different perspective, the whole world now switches into sepia mode creating a more dramatic effect. I see the world as I want to see it.

Lunch is served. I must say I am quite satisfied with my deep fried meat which might not be so healthy but who knows, tomorrow I might die, I might as well eat whatever I want today.

I continue to marvel at this theatre of nature in front of me while at the same time, I couldn't help but observe the people around me, engaged in their own seemingly shallow conversation and day-to-day worries. I want to take a photo of these two guys in front of me but I guess that would be too inappropriate, so I just draw the scene on my journal (forgive my lack of drawing skills). One is staring at his phone, like some kind of a hobby of the new generation these days, while his friend is looking at him trying to get his attention. Something like this.

People here don't really eat alone, so for the world outside, it is kind of strange to see a forlorn woman around here. I don't want to assume but I guess I am not that stupid enough to know those who steal glances and those who blatantly stare at me. Like when you see a handicapped person, you pretend not to pity and notice. These people might have sensed that I might be mentally challenged so they pretend not to pity me too.

People have forgotten to daydream these days.

I am on the outside looking in. Back when I was younger, I wouldn't be like this, this free. As I get older, I become freer and freer until nothing really matters to me anymore. It just happened naturally.

Thoughts continue to occupy mind as I try to make a conversation with myself. The nonstop murmur and chitchat around me already made its point, everyone is interdependent, connected. The point of living. This man-made structure, the natural landscape, and this new batch of people make up the whole world right now, coexisting. There is nothing I can do but to accept these fast-changing times.

My stomach has been filled, enough for me to survive until tonight. I'm grateful for the food and I wish that there might be more to come in the following days for my own subsistence. I'm still happy with whatever I have at this moment. The light of the day is too good to pass up so I resist the urge to go back to my own prison too soon where I feel safer. I'll take advantage of the scenic view before the gray clouds completely swallow the whole sky and cry.

I begin to think of my future, what life is requiring of me at this moment. I long to move somewhere, to travel again and to be in complete desolation in nature. However, what I am trying to remind myself is that this pursuit of Nirvana is right here, right now. No effort, no path. I am already here.

Instead of complaining about the society, perhaps it is time to embrace everything for what it is. Like this building, it is a symbol of human potential, a man finally evolved into greatness and made it up to this stage. From savages to now being quite civilized. I come to accept that I am here to appreciate what's left here on earth that might soon bound to be destroyed, to continue being able to enjoy these glorious days of being alive, and these moments of being able to look at the work of nature through the eyes of a child.

I am here, right now. I thank the world for being able to think these thoughts and translate these words on a blank sheet of paper before I continue with my own mundane tasks for the rest of the day. I'm quite happy to have made up to this moment.