Truth I
It was the boredom that got into my head and made me do these things. I can’t tell you how many times I thought about pulling some oiled up trigger or crashing my car into the headlights of a big rig. It was somber and mellow. A meaningless existence for a meaningless world. What was real anymore? I couldn’t tell you. Everything became hollow and pointless. Before you say anything about depression or melancholia I must inform you that I don’t feel enough emotion to qualify as being sad or anxious. I have been for quite some time now, completely bored with my life.
I remember when that hurricane hit last year and the news media said it should be approaching my county in the neighboring state of the direct impact. I wished that the hurricane would destroy everything in my area. That at least would be something entertaining. However to my everlasting disappointment, not even the power flickered. Hell it didn’t even rain. That hurricane went straight East of my location, all the contrary to what all the head honchos in meteorology predicted. All the candles, snacks and cigarettes I bought were all without purpose now.
Purpose is sought by every individual on this planet at some point in their life. They may wake up from a twelve year stupor of slavery to the system, subjecting themselves to the never ending catch and grab of that elusive dollar bill wondering what the fuck happened to my life. Only to find themselves trapped within a corporate society that gives not a damn about their enlightenment or their commitments.
Once, I wrote an article in a Nihilism forum section entitled “Society is Bullshit” and it was received with applauding praise. This could be expected from such a community whose main philosophical viewings are that Nothing is True. At the time I compassionately eloped with such absence of morals and spirituality. Now I just don’t give a damn about anything other than my menthol Pall Mall’s and the occasional Mountain Dew and coffee. You see, I have found my inner truth from all my searching for meaning and purpose. This is not to say that my truth should be yours or yours mine. Although I have read before that the Truth is True whether or not anybody believes it.
The speeches by Alan Watts have helped me a lot on discovering what I really am all about. In essence, his speech on Zen Buddhism which involves a dialog between a student and a master. The student seeks out a master because he feels there is something wrong with his life and in turn finds the master or teacher who can help him become at peace with himself. The student approaches the master and informs him that he wishes to become a student. The master then informs that he simply has nothing to teach. If we can stop right here and accept this truth we can realize that there should never be a master or teacher towards the student. One has to learn how to handle his life alone and no one can show how to do such a thing.
Becoming alone or rather, realizing that you are alone is sometimes the best way for finding out ones purpose in life. To stop seeking happiness or love in other people and to find it in yourself. Some would say that this is the great teaching of all spiritual traditions and religions. To seek, first admits that you have a problem. What is this problem? We simply don’t know the answer to this question. Why is there a problem? The real question is that you simply don’t know who you are anymore. Why was I so content in being robotic and conforming to what society told me who I was and now am questioning everything?
Nobody can tell you any of these answers. It is like the light bulb just flickered on and you woke up and realized or rather became aware of yourself and became almost completely embarrassed. My life has consisted for years now of trying to answer the question “What is Truth?” and I still don’t have a satisfying answer. The truth could be said that I am bored. I have nothing I look forward to in my life because I simply don’t find anything satisfying for long. I like it best when it rains outside as if it is that consent upon myself from my surroundings of being content for the moment. That urge to be content is ever present but I cannot seem to grasp it for very long. Soon enough my mind is flickered like wind brushing a page in a book, eager to turn towards the next page.
It has been said that the Truth is True whether or not anybody believes it. It has also been said that the truth is subjective. The phrase “Nothing is True, Everything is Permitted” can also be argued to be true. So I find lack of any real reason in finding truth. I only find myself faced with paradoxical questions and moral stories based upon perceptions inclined by people of standard.
My only result is to stop questioning and seeking. To float upon waves and subject myself to whatever may come upon me in this life. My only result is to trust the universe.