#ulog 33:My Growth

I used to be this ignorant,whiny person who always thought about how the world did her wrong, how life has been unfair to her，who always blamed everything on her circumstances. I used to be this person who was always sad. Even when there wasn't anything to be sad about， I'd try and poke old wounds till they’d start to bleed again and I get a reason to stay in this sad unhappy，miserable state of mine. After a while I'd gotten used to it that I forgot how to even put on a crack of smile on my face.

I would see people around me having a great time，laughing，talking to each other and this jealousy would come over me thinking what I wouldn't give to be like them; to be like everyone else; open，confident, genuine. But I had been living in my bubble for so long thinking that they wouldn't like me and why would they when I've got nothing interesting to offer; when I was this dull person with nothing to give back. There was this voice inside telling me that I wasn't enough. Damn that voice was a real pain in the ass.

One day I was watching this movie ‘one tree hill’ and this one guy said “take a long hard look in the mirror and see if the person looking back at you is the kind of person you wanna be.” And I got up， stood in front of a mirror and started looking. You know what I saw? I saw this young girl full of insecurities that she couldn't even look at herself for one minute in the mirror. I didn't like who I was， what I looked like，basically everything that I was. And right then and there I knew something had to change because I only get to ride this mysterious，bizarre cycle that we call life once and I knew that I had to soak up every ounce of all the things that life can offer.

It was hard putting myself out there, being vulnerable and to reach; reach for all those things that I've always wanted，for those things I was afraid to go after. But when I finally did，it couldn't have been any better. Don't get me wrong there were a lot of bumpy rides，a lot of downs and there were a lot of times when I just took a leap of faith & jumped into these dark holes; in which some turned out to be a big let down and some had a light at the end. I get tired sometimes when trying and reaching out for something only to grab a ball of disappointment but there was these few yet rewarding moments that made the struggle worthwhile.

See life is not always sunshine & rainbows and Thank God for that cause without the beast, the beautiful wouldn't be noticed; without the sad，the happy wouldn't be felt; without the bad，the good wouldn't be appreciated; without the downs，the ups wouldn't be as rewarding; without the darkness，the light would have no meaning; it would all have been ordinary，plain and life wasn't created to be ordinary， it was created to be lived extraordinarily