RE: Has our need to ACHIEVE reached epic toxic proportions?
Wow, you're article gave me goosebumps, because it is so recognizable.
We’re indoctrinating ourselves into the religion of capitalism at younger and younger ages. Not to mention the kudos, validation, and wiring that this child will receive about how fabulous it is to ACHIEVE in life. Possibly leading to basing a lot of their self worth on this glorified ability.
I'm a 'victim' of this modern 'disease'. I'm 42 years ld, and still struggling every day with my self-worth.
My parents taught me that happiness was related to success, and that achieving was the most important thing in life. As a result, I've set very high standards for myself. So high, that it is impossible to live up them, and I have to deal with the feeling of being a failure every day.
I've been trying to change that mindset for more than 25 years, but haven't been able to completely reprogram my brain yet.
Indoctrination is hard to get rid off, even though I'm completely aware of the fact that I have been brainwashed with complete BS.
Spot on about the thinking process behind it;
If I achieve - I can impress - if I can impress - I can be accepted and loved. If I am accepted and loved
Such BS, but I'm still stuck with it.
The weird thing is that I don't set even a single standard towards other people. I love everyone because they are who they are, with all their flaws.
And I know they do the same towards me, and that I don't have to achieve anything for people to love me.
But I'm still fighting the idea that was planted in my mind.
And I'm by far not the only one...
I'm 46. I learned that I was smart in school. I was good enough to do things, but never the best. I had little reason to work for my grades - and the result was that I floundered the first time I had to work - college. I didn't really get along with it - though I love learning. My parents pushed me to be perfect, but I knew it was an impossible goal - despite the fact that I'm the only child to provide them with grandchildren (neither of my brothers are likely to contribute - and only one of my three younger cousins had any children), I'm still considered the least-successful of my brothers and I.
It's actually a very abusive way to treat your children, isn't it? Fortunately, I realize they don't do this on purpose - parents only want the best for their children. Still, such an attitude messes people up for life
We not only want the best for our children, but somehow we want it better than what we had. I think that's what's driving this craze. It also makes people like myself - who can't afford all these expensive opportunities - seem like less-than-ideal parents. Further driving in the wedge between the "haves" and "have-nots"...Neither thing is healthy for our society as a whole.
I was talking to my psychotherapist about this earlier. That's what's wrong with the world.
It started with the generation that lived through WW2. (Probably before, but in my family, the pattern started with my grandparents, not my great-grandparents.) For them, It was normal that they wanted something better for their children. They just lived through a war.
A lot of those children did better, women started to go to university in the sixties, they got (more or less) equal rights.
That was my mum's generation.
They learned from their parents to want better for their children, but THEY HAD NO RIGHT to do so! They had it so much better than their parents. They were educated, had better jobs. Why on earth would you put pressure on your kids to do better?
My generation - the people who are 35-45 years old now - is the perfect example of what has happened. Just like me, there are millions of others who have learned to live up to expectations that are not reasonable. They've asked us to raise our standards so high, that is impossible to live up to them. So many people my age are suffering from depression, fear of failure, feelings of insecure and have no self-esteem.
They are supposed to have a successful career, and a successful family - all at the same time. They should be able to travel, and have a nice car. And of course, be happy.
My mum once told me: "Now you have a job, you're earning money - You're happy" She already gave up on the 'having a family'-part 😅
I can only imagine what it will do to the next generation if this generation wants them to do even BETTER... Imo, we (as in 'our generation') have NO RIGHT to put the pressure on our children to do better than us. There have never been so many people between 20 and 35 who suffer from burn-outs and depression...
I think that an unhappy person can hope for his children that they will be happier. I believe that is the underlying idea. The problem is pretty clear if you look at the thing my mum said to me. Most people (as in: 99%) believe that we can only be happy if we ACHIEVE things! If we are what society considers as successful. While achieving things, or being successful and happiness have nothing to do each other. They are 2 completely unrelated things.
Imo, an ideal parent lets his children be who they are. Allows them to do what makes them happy. Even if society thinks otherwise. Parenting is not about giving things or creating opportunities, it's about loving, being there and giving guidance. Teach children that even if they fail, they are a success, because they've tried. As a parent, I think you should never be disappointed in your kid, No expectations, no high standards to live up to. Just love your children for who they are. If they make decisions and do things you don't agree with, let them know, but still love them. I think a person can only become really happy if he can be who he is, and that he is loved for that.
(It's a bit of a difficult matter to find the right words in English, so forgive me if it is kind of messy)
You are very right - it all comes down to unreasonable expectations and unhappiness on the part of the parents - wanting their children to have it better - but losing track of what that really means.
In my childhood, my happiest part of it was when we were the poorest - no kidding! My mother was home, we gardened, raised our own meat, lived on 7 acres in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. It's not about the money, folks!
You know, until now, I had no idea that English wasn't your first language! You're amazing!!! <3
Thanks. I am an English teacher, though, so I can manage. But sometimes I feel very limited, definitely when it comes to things I have all worked out in my mind, but in Dutch,😂
I can understand, because everything is brought down to the basics: love and attention
I appreciate your honest and open share. @simplymike
yes these beliefs we pick up in the early years can seem like they are set in cement, but it IS possible to clear them.
They would have served a good purpose back in your childhood but now in adulthood WE get to decide. we get to define happiness for ourselves.
then it's about bringing those younger parts of us (who can still very much be living in the past) up to date with the new memo! It's a process that requires patience, but it can be done.
According to my new therapist, it's just a matter or re-programming your mind. Should be possible with some simple tricks. I'm curious to find out if it works 😀