The best killer in the history of mankind

Mao Tze Tung, Jack the Ripper, Genghis Khan, and Adolf “I did nothing wrong” Hitler, were left behind, their efforts were not as big as they would have wanted them to be, since, as the basic nature of records tells you, they are always bound to be broken, but no one could have predicted that the being that would find itself at the top of the mountain, as the sole undisputed champion of murder would not be someone intangible, or perceptible in a traditional manner, some bloodthirsty, ruthless Homo Sapiens.

I am willing to sound like some pseudo conspiracy theorist with nothing else to do but what is interesting about this assassin is that he is always hiding in plain sight, disguised as a chubby figure that sometimes makes you want to hug, hiding behind a mission that is noble but, as all rescue missions, this might bring serious collateral damage to everyone involved in it.

This amalgamation of pain fights against several antagonists, who just serve as cannon fodder for a sinister figure that alongside our guy in question have fought in a 30+ year-long rivalry (Turns out one supports Real Madrid and the other supports F.C Barcelona, you guess which one supports which team).

This being is none other than Mario Mario (Yes, his last name is Mario, who knew?)

Source

“But wait, how do you support this assumption?”

(Page of the manual that states the game's context and Mario's objective)
Source

Good question fellow reader. Turns out that in the manual of the game Super Mario Bros. is stated that the inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom were turned into blocks, rocks and field horse-head plants by the Koopa (Turtles with black magic) who, in a plan so devious that it would make Maquiavelo smile, would make Mario, in a search for sating his thirst for hallucinogenic drugs, kill the inhabitants of the kingdom while trying to rescue the princess (Who calls herself ‘Peach’, maybe for the shape of her ass), who is the only one capable of reversing the effects of the Koopa’s spell and her kingdom.

This assumption makes room for more speculation since it is possible that each time the princess erases the Koopa’s spell effect she can realize how many of her countrymen are missing or dead but, either Mario manages to hide this information to her, or she knows about this and chooses to not care at all.

Now, while keeping in mind these variables, let’s think about a few things:

• The amount of people that played Super Mario Bros. on its heyday
• The amount of games that follow the same premise
• The amount of times that Mario died, just to respawn and be able to continue his journey

Source

Do you realize why Mario is the most prolific killer in the history of mankind? The amount of people that have died because of him is incalculable, and what’s more interesting about him is his Modus Operandi: He not the most ruthless killer, or the ugliest, he is the kind of killer that relies on the simplicity of his method. Like a soldier who rides to face an army head-on, he does it to fulfill his objective without a second thought; “The goal justifies the a-means” is something he would probably say.

So, the next time you are playing a Mario game remember that all you’re a doing is extend the decades-long list of killings, and piling on the corpses of all the innocent just so you can save a girl that always lets herself get kidnapped as if she suffered some kind of fetishist satisfaction for being saved from it.

Source

Anyway, let this mini Ned Flanders take me to New Donk City, god bless.