Up and Down the Market Chapter 4: There May be Trouble Ahead….

"Look what the cat’s dragged in,” said Amber, “About fucking time, too! Where've you been?”

“Ladies,” said Ashley, “Quick word. In my office. Now. Shut the door and sit down, please.”

“I need to ask you something,” said Amber, “It’s urgent.”

“Let me get a couple of things out of the way first,” said Ashley, “Don’t get me wrong ladies, I’m pleased - I’ve just had a call from Head Office. I have to thank you both first, Amber in particular, because they’re giving me a Freetimes Golden Strokes award! They want me to do a My Branch presentation for new starters: How East London is Maximising Hospitality Profits.”

“Ooh,” I said, “Congratulations!”

“Oh no,” said Amber.

“Exactly, Amber,” said Ashley, “Because I don’t know what exactly it is you’ve both been doing in the Bistro. Wine and beer takings are still right up. And of course we want to build on that. But what’s this about a Sandwich Man? June Bennett called Head Office last week to ‘congratulate The Sandwich Man’ on catering for our upper tier clients’ - what was she on about?”

“It’s the sandwich board,” said Amber, “our new selection. You know - you had one the other week.”

“Did I?” said Ashley.

“Smoked salmon and Beluga,” said Amber, “You nicked it off my tray.”

“Oh yes,” said Ashley, “Was that caviar?! Mm, come to think of it, it was extremely tasty. All those Omega Threes and mineral salts, too. A nice bit of class. But I thought that was one of your reduced Tescos - one of your past-the-sell-by-dates? Hang on - I hope you aren’t passing on Tesco’s reduced goods to clients?”

“No way! said Amber, “It’s all fresh. And you won’t find smoked ostrich and alligator at Tesco.”

“Smoked ostrich?” said Ashley, “Alligator?”

“Mrs Bennett’s favourite,” said Amber, “It was carpaccio. Then langoustines. The selection varies, you see. It gives members something to look forward to.”

“Tina loves her wild boar,” I said.

“Hang on,” said Ashley, “I need these notes for my presentation. Just let me get a pen….”

“Mrs Bennett and her mates are regulars. At the moment they’re doing a bottle of wine each to go with their sandwiches. Three times a week,” said Amber, “at 20 quid a bottle. That’s one good example of how the Enrol a Friend offer is benefitting the club. Plus divorces are big business for the Bistro - when they’re all lathered up they even crack champagne! They all go on diets and Detox Plans when they’re looking for a new partner. Then it’s any excuse to show off their bodies. Men and women’s swimsuit sales are up, too, and Kelly’s run off her feet in the salon - it’s the first time there’s been a waiting list for waxings! This is a high income, high divorce rate Borough. So the potential for a classy sandwich board runs high.”

“Slow down a second,” said Ashley, “…plus…note….to….discuss. ..champagne promotion….condom….machine….spa…bacteria……test…”

“How d’you know all this” I said.

“I didn’t run a fucking knocking shop for nothing!” said Amber, “And Officer Groom tells us all these statistics - from Child Protection, innit? They’re always getting called out for domestics. Plus don’t forget, Ashley, that there’s no decent sandwich shops round here. Not unless you count Greggs.”

“Give me a Greggs sausage roll over alligator any day,” said Ashley, “Ostrich doesn’t float my boat, either. There weren’t many healthy-sounding options. Or vegetarian. And some people are allergic to seafood. What else do we offer?”

“It all depends what’s in the Sandwich Man’s basket,” said Amber,“That’s the element of surprise, you see. Like the “ooh” moment. And they know if they want something healthy, they can order from the Bistro menu.”

“So what’s your accounting trail?” said Ashley, “A separate till?”

“Oh no - he only takes cash,” said Amber, “He drops the sandwiches off fresh and I pay him the next day - it’s sale or return.”

“This is excellent,” said Ashley, “So we’re supporting a local tradesman, too. Or should I say craftsman? An SME. Make sure Security gets him a pass - don’t bother him with all that ID verification hoohah. But get me one of his business cards if you can. Even better if he’s VAT registered. And an example menu?”

“Hang on a sec,” said Amber, “Let me fetch in last night’s board….”

“Let me help you with that,” I said.

“You what? Seriously?” said Ashley, “That’s not bad for seven quid a head, you know. He should be asking a tenner at least! Does he do sweets? Does he do weddings?”

“I can ask,” said Amber, “He’s very flexible.”

“OK, so that’s the Bistro out of the way,” said Ashley, “Next Chelsea Clapham. I need you to keep your eyes and ears open, ladies. If you hear anyone gossiping about her, including staff, please try and nip it in the bud. If you like you can explain about the Confidentiality Agreement. I wasn’t that happy to sign it myself but she went via Head Office and they said it would be good for business to have a celebrity around.”

“That was what I needed to ask you about,” said Amber, “Her ex, Andi, called while you was in your ISO9001 meeting. He wanted to join. I told him we was nearly full and said I’d ask you and get back to him.”

“Well done - you showed great initative there,” said Ashley, “You are most definitely my Golden Girl today, Amber. I’m going to have to get back to Head Office on this one. This a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation.”

“You do know about Gaynor?” said Amber.

“Mrs Bennet’s friend? Know what?”

“She’s paralegalling for Chelsea Clapham’s solicitor,” said Amber, “Lashing it up in the Bistro and dishing it out to Tina and Mrs Bennett.”

“Really? Hmm. Umm. Fucking nora,” said Ashley.

“And now go and wash your mouth out with soap!” said Amber, “But don’t you worry, Mr Golden Balls - I’ll sort it for you. Leave it with me. I didn’t run a fucking knocking shop for nothing.”