The Guilt of Resting

I took some time off over the holidays. Actually rested a couple weeks. Didn't work on the new business. Didn't study and didn't write much except for these Hive posts. Just existed.

I was also dealing with a little fungal laryngitis so the break wasn't exactly optional. Plus family was visiting for the holidays. Real reasons logical reasons to step back. I guess.

However, the whole time there's this voice in my head telling me I'm a slug and wasting time. That I should be doing something. That rest is for people who've earned it and I haven't crossed that finish line yet.

That voice is fucking exhausting. And it's a damn liar.

I know rest is part of the system. I've written about trusting bad days and energy audits in previous posts. I know pushing through an empty tank just makes January harder. I know all of this and it doesn't matter. The guilt showed up anyway.

Everyone else is posting about relaxing with family and enjoying the holiday break. Meanwhile I'm sitting there feeling like a fucking fraud for not grinding while the world is on pause. Like taking a couple weeks off means I'm falling behind some imaginary schedule. Even though I was literally sick and had people in my house.

It's not even logical. The people I'm trying to reach probably aren't even checking their inbox. Nobody's making buying decisions between Christmas and New Year. The smart move is to recharge and come back sharp. I know this and still felt guilty.

Where does that come from? Years of hustle culture garbage probably. Some internal wiring that ties my worth to output. Comparing myself to other people online who seem to never stop even though I have no idea what's actually going on in their lives.

Here's what I'm learning though. The guilt is just noise and is not information. It's not telling me something true and is just a reflex that fires when I'm not moving. I'm trying to notice it without obeying it.

Oh there's the guilt again. Cool. Anyway.

The holidays are almost over. I.m mostly rested, but the ick is still hanging on some. The guilt didn't kill me and now I'm ready to get back to it instead of dragging last year's exhaustion into the new one.

Anyone else spend the break feeling bad about not working or is it just me?