My Christmas Tree is up and still fighting my demons.
After my day out on Saturday with my sister and my friend i had plans to go Christmas Tree Shopping on Sunday with my hubby. I had saved up a few vouchers from my surveys through the year so i could splash out on a nice one with all the tree decorations.
I had to pull my self out of bed, usually i would turn over then make arrangements for another day but with what is going on in my life at the minute (Mental Health) I focused on the bigger picture. I would have a Christmas tree up for the 1st time in well over 5 years. A big achievement for me. If i had stayed in bed i would have regretted it later when i was downstairs watching the TV. I also had to admit i hated the job of decorating the tree. One task i was over the moon to pass on till my youngest daughter.
I sat back watching my daughter put it all together then decorate it. She thoroughly enjoyed doing it and i enjoyed watching her. We have no other decorations as i gave them all to my oldest daughter. A Christmas Tree is enough for us as we have no children. I have ordered a Star topper top finish it off.
I am still dealing with our Mental Health team, because of what i tried to do they have to take things slowly. I can't rush getting better, at the minute putting one foot in front of the other is hard enough when i just want to curl up in my bed and bed forgotten.
Christmas is always a difficult time as my memories from back then weren't good. I try and make mgt girls Christmas's extra special so they won't have bad memories when they are older. Thankfully they have told me they have loved every Christmas.
At my Mental Health meetings my therapist gives me ideas to help me to look forward and to move forward. I am starting to make short lists for my day ahead. Once i complete something i then tick it off, this will help empty my head by putting what I'm thinking down on paper. My list will grow the more confident i grow. I am learning techniques on how to deal with my other thoughts. One at a time.
Suicide
I have friends who don't know what i have done, this Is kept within my immediate family until i am ready to day something. People think differently about this subject, alot of people believe suicide to be a selfish act but from someone who knows. When it happened to me the lady thing i thought about was how upset my family would be my initial thoughts were they are going to be better off without me, they will be able to do so much more without me holding them back, this will give my family some relief as they won't have to run around doing things for me. I felt like i was outside watching me do it, i felt nothing . Yes now i regret it, i can now see what i would have left behind. I still can't promise i won't do it again as now i have taken that step further, a step i have always stalled at, something has always stopped me until then. This gives me more reason to get well again and stay well. NO LOOKING BACK.
Thank you @son-of-satire.
One day at a time, friend...and sometimes one hour at a time. I don't pretend to know where you're at regarding this, but I do know you have a lot of folks pulling for you, most importantly your family. Take your time and get well :D <3 <3 {{Hugs}}
Thank you :) It is getting easier. I taking each day as it comes and thinking about myself :)
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It seems you're taking some positive steps; I like the list of things for the next day thing. I do similar, but it's probably more from an organisational aspect, for work, than anything else.
I've lost many people to suicide, military guys with PTSD, my wife's uncle, a friend (over a boy of all things) and others - Most recently a husband and wife couple who both shot themselves only about 2 months ago. I posted about it, and my feelings because of it on steem.
I don't want to say too much as I'm not qualified to do so however can say I'm one who sees it as selfish, or at least, have done in the past. I certainly don't judge and these days, as I approach 50 years old, I think more laterally about it and more from the person's perspective.
I can't help but wonder though...If all those people who suicided could reverse that act and the result of it, once it's happened, would any of them? It's a very final solution. A moot point I know, but one I thought about in respect of the couple who shot themselves in the head over financial difficulty.
Great looking Christmas tree. Can I be honest? We didn't put one up this year - Couldn't be bothered. 😃
Im so sorry you must have been through a tough time with losing so many family and friends through suicide. I also feel for what they went through.
I watched a documentary about it, there was a man on there talking about his own suicide attempt. I can't remember what bridge but there had been quite a few suicides. He said the moment he jumped her realised he didn't want to die, thankfully he survived and is now a lot stronger. There was a few others who said the same.
Its a desperate situation to be in, that couple who shot themselves must have been broken.
I have managed to tick off everything on my 1st list and stepped out into my garden for the 1st time in 3 weeks. Im feeling better for it :)
I can understand about the Christmas tree, this one is our first in so many years. With no little ones running around Christmas doesn't have the same magical feel it used to have.
Yes, there were fractured and obviously saw no way out. Same happened 18 months ago to an ex-military mate. I couldn't be angry at him as his demons were eating his brain from the inside out. I miss him as does his wife and kids.
Seems like you're having a good day huh? My wife loves gardening. It's her thing. She feels good when out there and that's good enough.
Keep pushing. 🙂
Sounds like you were well aware of your friends situation, they go throw hell when they come home. There's not enough done to help them. I really feel for them all on the frontline. They should be looked after.
Thr garden is only a recent thing for me, Steemit got me out there and now i love to see plants growing, i have a special love watching the Bee's work. Scared stiff off them but I'll sit and watch at a safe distance Lol
No one can ever know what deployment to a warzone is like unless they have been. Yes, my mate struggled for a long time with PTSD, as others still do.
There's not enough done to help them when they come home. They are heroes and shouls be treat like one.
Agreed.
@tipu curate
Upvoted 👌 (Mana: 15/25 - need recharge?)
Thank you :)
Great looking Christmas tree Karen job well done.
Thank you :)