I Can’t Draw

That is just how it happened on this platform – I decided to choose the nickname "MaxArt" for myself, which obviously suggests some connection with art. In reality I do have a close connection with graphic design. I work in Photoshop and edit photos. At one point I did it more seriously. But today, as my career has moved forward, all I've left from that are skills that barely keep up with how fast technology is improving.

My grandmother was an artist, and when I was 10 years old she tried to teach me to paint with oils. She showed me step by step a special technique for copying an image from paper, from a postcard, from anything onto canvas. It is hard for me to explain this in proper art language, but she drew special coordinates. She made a grid that looked like a chessboard. Then the same grid only larger was drawn on the canvas with the same coordinates. After that each square of the grid was copied from the picture onto the canvas. And when all the squares were filled in, the final touches were added to fully cover the grid and make the copy look as close to the original as possible. And yes, this way you really can transfer any photo or postcard onto canvas. Even back then I admit I had absolutely no patience for drawing.

In 2014 I decided to test my abilities. I still remembered some things from those childhood lessons, and I was curious to see what I could do. I only had enough patience for two paintings. Exactly ,enough patience. And after that I finally became sure that I have no patience for drawing at all. When I start drawing, something inside me starts "boiling", something rises up inside, I get nervous, and I want to drop the whole thing. And yes, of course the result turns out bad.

But that time I still managed to draw something. Even though today, when I look at those works, I think they are complete shit. Sorry for saying it like that, but they are shit.

The first painting is some kind of strange fantasy world. Maybe hell, maybe a dream world where reality slightly crosses with something supernatural. Some unreal things are happening in that painting. Fog, a house and near the house there is a ladder hanging in the air. In the middle of the painting there is some kind of hole in the ground and another ladder is sticking out of it. I cannot even explain what I wanted to say with it. I just wanted to draw something dark, something mystical. Maybe that was my mood at that moment.

In the second picture I painted a sunset over the sea and birds on trees. To be honest, I was inspired by a photo I once took from the window of my apartment. It came out very warm, cozy, and calm. And I really wanted to transfer that image onto canvas with oil paints.

It didn't turn out the way I wanted, and not the way I expected. It turned out badly. I can criticize myself openly and take any criticism calmly, because I can judge my own work soberly. So if you find it funny, laugh out loud. I'm fine with that.

Now I am thinking about my impatience with drawing. One thing surprises me, when I work with wax modeling and sculpting at my job, I have enough patience for two or three hours of work. That is two or three hours without a break. I just carve a small shape out of wax with a special knife, solder on the missing volume, and smooth it all over an alcohol lamp. In general, it is very painstaking work, and clients really do get surprised and ask where I get so much patience for it. I never freak out and never get angry. I just sit and do it. But drawing for some reason drives me crazy. I get angry when I start doing it. I am sure psychologists have some explanation for this. Maybe it is connected to some features of my personality, or my tendencies, or my abilities. I do not know. And it's very strange. But there definitely must be some scientific explanation for it.

It is strange that before 2014 I was still somewhat sure that I could draw after all. But apparently, for a person to fully understand something or give up on some idea, they need to step onto that path one more time, fall down, and only then make the final conclusion. I do not even know why I am writing about this. Of course, it is not to show off failed works. I think these are probably just thoughts out loud. I have never brought up this topic publicly before. Publicly, meaning outside my family. And I have never published these two works anywhere.

Thank you for your attention!

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