That is actually a good book. Sending its message in a different way.
Life is never easy but it has taught me a lot. I’ve spent years learning how to comfort myself, knowing that if I don’t, no one else will. Like my therapist says, writing is my greatest outlet—a way to get everything out of my head and onto the page.
It is quite an art to keep yourself busy, but also to pamper yourself, and I think that is very important too. Even on your birthday or a holiday, you should think of yourself first, because thinking of yourself, which everyone complains and whines about and says is selfish, is something most people don't do at all. That breadth of thinking of yourself, being allowed to keep something for yourself, is often already worked out when a child is not yet 2 years old. This is also the age when many children learn to say no and thus set boundaries. Parents, teachers, you name it, punish them mercilessly for this, because honestly, you have to share everything, right?
It should be our right to say 'no' whenever we need to, yet somehow, we are always made to feel guilty for it. In my case, I’ve often felt like a 'bitch' simply for wanting to prioritize my own well-being. But honestly? If choosing myself makes me one, then so be it.
I’ve been practicing a lot of self-care over the last few months. Some of it might seem trivial to others—like the simple act of changing out of my pyjamas every morning—but to me, it’s a necessary reset. I try to wake up as early as possible so that even on hospital days, I can find my balance. I want to control my morning so that nothing unexpected can catch me off guard or make me feel uneasy.
They don’t even teach the concept properly. If the rule is truly that 'everything must be shared,' then parents and teachers should lead by example: share the cash in their wallets, share their cars, or even share their spouses! If that sounds ridiculous, then why do we force children to give up their boundaries and personal belongings.
When I was a kid, I was forced to share my birthday cake, my candles, and even my birthday wish with my 'devil' of a sister. Call me petty if you want, but it was my birthday! Not everything should be shared.
Oh my God, birthdays. Did we have the same sister? I had the same experience, not to mention the cake. Behind the cake I didn't like, eating a plain dry biscuit was forbidden. And then there was the misery with the presents that were unwrapped before I got home from school, and if the presents were nicer or different than I had in mind, I was in for a beating as soon as I got home. And I didn't even know why, because I hadn't even seen the present yet. So for you, birthdays are still not fun, although I do make the best of them, I make them fun for myself, because that's important to me. Even if that means keeping the door closed and just wanting to be alone, because then at least I can do what I want. So you take your pyjamas off? I take mine off as soon as I can, or at least put my bathrobe on over them, so I can stay warm. I also always try to avoid or prevent problems, or be prepared for them, which at least reduces stress and gives me more time for myself.
Teachers, adults will not share...only idiots
I think those adults all learned from the same book on how to torture their children. We were probably born too early—born into a time when this was so rampant that people didn’t even flinch at seeing violence against a child. My mother, that idiot, once told me I used to have unexplained bruises all over my limbs when I was still a baby. Then she walked in and seen my father pinching and squeezing me. She only told me this after I became an adult, and the way she said it... she actually chuckled, as if it were some cute, harmless memory. It’s sickening. I just read a news story about a wife who finally took her husband to court because he caned their son.
Yeah, I change into clothes that I could actually walk down to the lobby in. It’s not because I’m going out; it’s just to feel a little more normal. I’ve even started taking out my old perfumes and wearing them at home, along with a bit of makeup. At the very least, it makes me feel better when I see myself in the mirror.
People say weird things. For example my grandmother always told me how my mother molested me from a few months old... But she frequently ended it by saying: I don't dislike her since she never harmed me (which was a lie since she used her as a slave, scolded at her and took every chance to start a fight...).
Geez, that's really an odd thing to say. Your grandmother is sure a complicated person.