Vampire Life Coach
Messenger ding
Jeremy took his headphones off. Noise-cancelling doesn't cancel everything. Took the laptop off his lap. Shuffled the wine glasses and dirty plates. Made a reasonably safe place to balance his computer.
Sweatpants with dog hair and a stiff shuffle made its way across the room to the "staging table" near the door.
Phone was stil lit. Familiar little circle on the screen. Faux-artsy cartoony filter as her pic.
"Hi, I don't mean to spam you. I'm not out to spam you. I would like to discuss your art work that I found exhibited online."
He sighed.
There was a bouncing "..." She was typing something. He lifted his phone and started tapping.
"Diner?"
Her bouncing dots stopped. Then they started. Then they stopped. Then bounced again. A few more times stopping and starting.
He sighed.
"Yes!"
Flip flops. Coat. Zip. Keys, phone, wallet. Door shut and locked.
He got there first, to the diner, at 4:00 am. He had a coffee while perusing the menu. "I can have anything I want and nothing looks good. I need to find better rendez-vous points. Maybe a grand slamwich. I always get that."
He saw her through the glass of the front door before it opened.
She had a lot of makeup on. Her hair was hot pink, thick and synthetic.
She had on a colorful jacket with flowers and a low-cut top. Business professional slacks and high-heels. Horn-rimmed glasses and glitter in her lip gloss or lipstick.
She alighting the booth seat.
He put the menu down. "What's the crisis?"
"Jeremy, I wanted to first discuss your art. It's sooo--"
"Just talk about you."
She paused.
He pretended to read the menu.
"It's very exciting news. I'd like for you to be happy for me." She was smiling while she talked.
"You have to tell me what it is first."
All of her deflated without moving a muscle.
He looked up. "Just tell me."
"I'm going to be a life coach. I've decided it's a good fit for me. I think I can coach people through their life journeys. I can find meaning through human connection."
Jeremy put the menu down.
"I think you should reconsider."
"No, I'm not giving up on my passion." Her head was moving.
"You don't have any passion."
"Don't be toxic." Her head stopped moving.
"Jesus, did you stay up reading every blog on the internet?"
"It's an empowering new direction, and you are my friend and are privileged to be happy for me." She seemed resolute in her head movements.
"Life coaching is hard."
"Challenge accepted." She placed her hands on the table.
"It's mostly for people who dream of being on stage."
"I can influence an audience." Her hands were in the air.
"Please, stop. What's really going on?"
"I wanted to tell you because you're my friend and I want you to care and believe in me." One hand touching her breast one being diplomatic in his direction.
Jeremy sat there a beat. It wasn't worth arguing with her.
"Alright, fine."
She looked deeply moved. She always did whenever he made half an effort.
"As a life coach, I want you to know that your words and actions mean a great--"
"I'm gonna get a grand slamwich. And then I'm going to try this Margaritaville Key Lime Brownie."
"I'll sit here with you if it's acceptable to your person." She looked smug.
"Stop...adding syllables."
Her eyes met his--enamoured, somehow, as usual. "OK, dear Jeremy"
He ate and she watched, brimming.
He tried to pretend her not eating food was normal.