My daughter-in-law had borderline personality disorder. She was a wonderful person, and I tried to understand what on earth could possibly drive her to harm herself. She couldn’t really explain it to me – but I remember her saying: “It’s only when I see my blood flowing and feel the pain that I feel alive.”
Even though I know that feeling so well from my own lived experience, my heart still felt like it was being violently squeezed reading this. To know that someone else carries that exact same pain. No words can describe those feelings. People are actively avoiding pain and hurt, yet for some, that very pain is the only thing that makes us feel alive.
It's good to know that there's someone that was concerned and cared enough to try and understand her. Many people wouldn’t even be able to hide the disgust on their faces when they saw those wounds or scars. Don't even bother to care or attempt to help like passing by an accident scene and just drove off.
I hope your daughter-in-law is feeling better now. She is truly lucky to have you.
On the other hand, I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through… I think it actually makes you stronger. Thank you so much for being so open about it! It shifts the focus away from the stark scars and towards the person’s emotional experience. That’s important.
I suppose that's when 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' actually rings true. Like you mentioned, it’s so much about what’s carried inside. Those scars turn into reminders, pushing us to pour more into self-care and protect our peace so we don't end up in the dark place again. Thank you so much for really taking the time to read that piece.