I am sorry you are having such a challenging time right now @miriamslozberg but, believe it or not I understand what it is like. My husband has been disabled for many years, he has severe epilepsy and I am his primary caregiver. I am unable to work outside of the home due to this. Then, last year, I nearly died from an infection in the colon and was diagnosed with crohn's disease. My point is, I believe everyone has something horrible going on in their life, the difference is how we handle it, work through it, and whether or not we have a support system. If you ever need to talk, I'm not far away from the computer.