A failed attempt at a 10 day meditation retreat - PART 3

This is the last part of the story where I describe my experience at a Vipassana retreat I attended recently in Poland.

You'll find the first part here: https://steemit.com/meditation/@peterveronika/a-failed-attempt-at-a-10-day-meditation-retreat-part-1

The second part: https://steemit.com/meditation/@peterveronika/a-failed-attempt-at-a-10-day-meditation-retreat-part-2

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Day 4
Finally no nightmares, just a night of sound sleep. In the morning the good feeling from the day before stayed with me. I stayed full two hours of the morning meditation, only to find out there was a very long chanting at the end of it. First I thought 'Oh, the chanting finally! Now it will be ove any minute.' But then it kept going on and on...and I couldn’t wait for it to end because I was starving.

I was still thinking about You, talking to You in my head about all my feelings, surprised and relieved that I was feeling better. This good feeling lasted until 11am, then thoughts of being with You started creeping in, I desperately wanted to talk to You and my mind kept replaying what we’d say to each other. I kept imagining how we’d greet each other once the course was over and I finally got to see You. My mind was like a broken record, same thoughts over and over. Not even washing my hair or my jeans helped. Madness, I thought, I can’t do this any longer. Even when meditating, I kept thinking about You, replaying conversations we’d had and what I’d say to You next time I’d see You. I decided to talk to Ania and ask her what to do the next day if things didn’t improve. My theory was that on Day 5 I would already be halfway through the course so that was bound to make me feel better.

It was sunny the second day in the row, so I spent most of my breaks outside, but I couldn’t decide if it was better when it rained all day or when the sun was out. I kept thinking about all the places we could go and things we could do if we were together in good weather. Instead I was stuck in this tissue-sized forest forcing myself not to cry and stay in the f*ing Now.

In the evening I got so ravenously hungry that I decided to eat 2 whole oranges for dinner. Now there were two things I kept thinking about, You and oranges. At 5pm I walked into the dining hall with my saliva already gathering for those oranges…and there were none for the first time that evening. So I ate a banana and drank a big protein shake out of spite in my room after that and I got a stomach ache from too much food.

Day 5
Again a good night of sleep, I woke up at 4am sharp before the sound of the gong and got ready for the meditation session. I managed to stay the whole 2 hours and patiently sit through the chanting. I could sit in two positions during meditation; cross-legged or with my legs folded under me. I had pain in both poses – in my upper back when I sat cross-legged and a feeling of piercing needles when I had my legs folded under me. Every day the pain came sharper and earlier, on this day only the first session of the day was almost painless. I was getting desperate.

It was also the second day when we had to sit through an hour of determination; a full hour when we had to make a determination not to move at all and not to open our eyes. We were supposed to examine our body part by part, from head to toes, and if we felt any pain just acknowledge it and move on. This would train our minds to deal with pain and life’s problems better and without attachment.

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On Day 4, I managed 50 minutes without movement, today I wanted to do a full hour to have at least some feeling of achievement. I sat there with my legs under me, a cushion between them, wrapped up in my blanket. About halfway through I had tears in my eyes from the pain, but I was set on making it through the hour. I gave up just a few minutes before the chanting begun to signal the end of the hour. Huh! That wasn’t so bad, I thought masochistically and wiped my tears, stretching my numb but still aching legs.

Towards the end of the next meditation block I was desperate to be with You again, the same tape was being replayed in my head; what I was going to say to You when I see You again. But there are 5 more days to go! How will I ever survive without you for so long? The fact that I was already halfway through the 10 days didn’t help at all, I felt the shittiest ever. Because I promised myself I’d ask for help if things didn’t improve by Day 5, I went to look for Ania. Fortunately it was not too early in the morning, because I knew her English wasn’t very good until 10am. I only found her at about 12pm in front of the meditation hall. She was managing the girls who had interviews with the teacher that day.

‘Could I talk to You a little?’ I asked. ‘Yes of course’, she said. I started by saying that I have pain in my knees and back during meditation. ‘Yes, I saw you moving a lot, I could see that you were in pain.’ She answered. I suddenly broke down and my tears started flowing freely. ‘And I miss my husband so much’ I said. ‘I don’t know how I could even do one more day like this.’ She looked at me and said ‘that’s ok, just cry, let the tears come, sometimes it helps. I was also crying yesterday during meditation but no one saw.’

When I calmed down a bit she said ‘I know how you feel, my partner is also here at the retreat, but we can at least talk together because he is also a volunteer. We can’t touch each other and I really miss that.’ Then she continued ‘I think you should leave, because your head is not here, you cannot concentrate on the meditation.’ I was quite surprised to hear her say that because I expected something wise or helpful from her that would make me want to stay, but she understood how I felt and without judgement she gave me the best advice she could. I answered ‘Okay, yes maybe you are right.' And she then said: 'But you need to talk to the teacher if you want to leave’.

So I waited with her for the interviews to end so I could go to the teacher. While we waited Ania told me a bit about herself. Her boyfriend was into Vipassana a lot, he’d done 7 or 8 retreats already. She didn’t practice Vipassana actively at home, but it was in her head, she said, she was the calm, unattached observer. She was a totally different person until 2 years ago, when she had a breakthrough and she started practicing yoga and meditation. She became spiritual and in tune with herself.

Then it was finally time for me to talk to then teacher. She sat on a pedestal in a side room of the meditation hall, I was to sit on a cushion in front of her. I said hello, sat down and said ‘I think I need to leave, I’m so sorry but I am missing my husband so much it’s making me crazy.’ Using Ania’s words I continued ‘My head is not here, I cannot concentrate on the practice because of it.’ She looked at me and said ‘Ok, of course, I understand. But you know you signed up for 10 days.’ ‘Yes, I know,’ I answered ‘but I didn’t know it would feel like this, I’m really suffering.’ She said ok, but if I could wait another hour and leave when everyone was in the meditation hall so they wouldn’t see me leave. I knew it would be harder for me to get home using Polish public transport too late in the day but I said yes, I’ll wait.

I went back to my room, packed my bag, cleaned the bedroom and the bathroom so it looked just like when I arrived. I still had more than half an hour to go so I started meditating. Suddenly I could concentrate on my breath easily, with just a few thoughts interrupting and I sat there motionless for more than 20 minutes. I felt as if a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders and I was finally free. I was full of energy, happy and excited about being able to hear Your voice soon. Ania came then and I followed her to the front office, where she gave me my phone and wallet and we said goodbye to each other.

The man in the office called a taxi for me and I checked the bus connections quickly to know where to go with the taxi. I found a town not too far away with a few buses leaving to other cities so I decided to go there. I finally called You and You answered on the first ring. I knew You’d be worried because I wasn’t supposed to have my phone for another 5 days, so I said ‘It’s ok, I just missed You. I couldn’t do it anymore without You so I am coming home.’

There was a bus leaving straight to our town soon after I got there. It was the last bus of the day so I was quite lucky. The bus ride took 3 hours but now that I had impulses everywhere around me, time was going much faster. You hugged me tight when I got off the bus and it was so much more perfect than I’d ever imagined. We kissed and everything fell back into place, the two halves became one again.

It’s now the first full day since I came out and it already feels like something that happened in another lifetime. I don’t regret going there, because I’d have wondered about it and I got the valuable experience of how crazy a mind can go if it doesn’t have any distractions. I also improved my meditation technique, I can now sit and focus for an hour, sometimes even motionless. Do I feel like a failure for leaving early? No, because my meditation technique improved and Ania and the teacher didn’t make me feel like that. I could have suffered through but it wouldn’t have had the benefits it was supposed to. Would I do another retreat like this ever again? I can’t say yes or no for sure, but maybe I could in 100 years when this experience fades enough and when we’d be together long enough so I wouldn’t go crazy from missing You.

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