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Your overweight friend doesn’t show up for a workout. What an unmotivated, lazy, fat piece of shit. He’s never going to get in shape with this lack of commitment. What the hell’s wrong with him? Can’t he see that his health is important? He didn’t even think to call you. How disappointing. You thought that he might be too lazy to stick with it. I guess you were right. 

A week later you skip going to the gym. You had a long day at work, your kid’s not feeling well, and you’ve got an important presentation tomorrow. You’re so flat-out that you forget to let your friend know. It’s okay, missing the gym once isn’t so bad, you’ve had a stressful day. It wasn’t your fault. 

The Fundamental Attribution Error 

While the above hypothetical is fairly hyperbolic – I hope your reaction to a skipped workout is less aggressive– it does illustrate a common bias we have towards ourselves and others.  

The Fundamental Attribution Error refers to the tendency to attribute others’ bad behaviour to their internal traits and personality while minimising the role of environmental factors. When they behave badly, we often see it as a reflection of who they are. The reason your friend didn’t go to the gym was because they’re lazy, not because shit hit the fan in their work or personal lives. 

However, when it comes to our own behaviour, we can justify it with a million reasons as to why we acted the way we did. This dichotomy between blaming others for their behaviour but exonerating ourselves can be detrimental to both ourselves and our relationships. It can minimise the hardships others face.It can also amplify the problems we face as a way of justifying poor behaviour. 

How Not To Be An Asshole 

1. Be aware of your biases. The first step is to acknowledge that we are susceptible to this bias and catch ourselves when we’re doing it. Being aware of biases is a crucial first step to changing them. This alone allows for further introspection and the challenging of our kneejerk reactions. 
2. Take responsibility. Take responsibility for when you act like a jerk. Even if someone else was being a bigger jerk, or the dog peed in your favourite shoes, owning your reactions gives you back agency. It crushes the narrative that you are a victim to your circumstances which, while potentially true, is often unhelpful.  
3. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Sure, we can go through life assuming the worst about others, but is it worth it? The reason that guy cut you off in traffic may indeed be because he’s a terrible human. But maybe he was rushing to the hospital to see his mum. Or maybe he’d forgotten the pizza in the oven and was rushing home to save it. Ultimately, you don't know. But we can agree that you don’t want burnt pizza, right? 

What if every time someone was driving recklessly you simply assumed they were on their way to rescue some poor pizza from a burnt base? Wouldn’t that be a better world to live in?