This is a tough one. The suicidal ideation behavior as a child is particularly disturbing. I think you might be in need of some serious mind deprogramming stuff. When I finally began getting myself off of alcohol/drugs/sex with strangers, I had to literally re-live the horrors of what I'd done both to myself and others. When I was an alcoholic/addict, I never thought it would be possible for me to feel joy without ingesting a substance. And I mainly used drug and alcohol to escape my mental terrors, paranoia and also as a way to feel really "on top of the world". The process of removing my dependence on drugs, and finding a true sense of happiness took many years. It was a lot of work. Honestly, I think having a child sort of snapped me out of my self-destruction. If I didn't have someone depending on me, looking up to me for guidance, I think I would most likely still be an addict.
In your case, it appears that you need to connect with people who are in the same boat, as isolation can be a real killer.

While I'm not a therapist, what helped me the most was listening to other addicts/fucked up people tell their honest stories. The Shair Podcast is a place that real people tell exactly how shitty their lives have gotten and what they did to get a little better: https://theshairpodcast.com/
I listened to like over 50+ stories from addicts of all kinds. What I discovered is that we are pretty similar. Addicts tend to not want to confront bad emotions and also tend to overcompensate for areas in life that are not going well. Being attached to drugs, is a form of attachment. You obviously want to feel good.

What I never learned about you though, is what other things make you feel good besides the drugs? That's what you need to work on. You can't just quit drugs, you need to replace your drug habit with something else.

I'm still an addict, really obsessive, but I have replaced my drug habits with the following: providing this service, making art, writing, making up stories. Without those things, I'd go back to using. My personality didn't change, but habits did. These things have made it easier for me to think clearly. I suggest you get really focused on one thing you like to do. One simple thing. That's what you can do for yourself.

Humans want attachment, connection to others. That's why we're all on Steemit (well, of course the money helps). But to be honest, I'd be on Steemit anyway, because I lack deep connections with people. I'm sort of antisocial in real life.