SECRET WRITER: I Wish I'd Never Been Born
I have tried suicide twice.
That, and one of my earliest memories is me keeping my breath as a kid, in bed before falling asleep, because my kid-logic thought that would mean I wouldn't wake up in the morning.
Shit, I don't know any ten year-old who thinks like this, and it's part of the reason I'm convinced there's something wrong with my brain. Kids don't do that stuff.
As a 31-year old with depression, OCD, antisocial, history of drugs and suicide attempts, what are realistic ways to decrease my unhappiness?
I have (almost completely) decided to try to outlive my parents, and preferably my sister, too. (However, the thought of my parents dying causes serious panic attacks).
Question is: what can I do to decrease the amount of evenings I cry myself to sleep for no apparent reason?
The second question: Music can have such a strong effect on my emotions that I have been avoiding all TV and radio for years. Does anyone else do this? What's it called?
Third one: As an addict who uses about 3 grams of good street quality "speed" (amphetamine, not meth) a day, what effects can I expect in 2, 5, 10, 20 years?
I have been using speed daily for over a year now. Without interruptions. I daily take an SNRI, an NDRI, 2 kinds of antipsychotics and a beta-blocker, after being officially diagnosed as having : schizoid personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, severe depression, severe OCD and an IQ of 134.
I think that these questions sum up nicely the situation I'm in right now. Unfortunately, Quora is full of politically correct writers, so the answers were very disappointing. Which is why I'm trying again as a Secret Writer on Steemit. Thanks to @stellabelle for organizing this opportunity!
If you talk to me, there's no sign of any of the above. I'm not visibly suicidal, I'm even quite funny. I'm not an obvious junkie, I have a well-paid job which I've had for years. I own a house, have a company car, eat well and generally seem content.
Yet, there's not a day that I don't think about suicide. I could be talking to my boss about some project at work, while my thoughts are focused on possible methods I could use.
However, as you can see, I have decided to try to outlive my parents and my sister. I just can't handle the thought of them being hurt by my selfish escape. So now I wait.
To make the wait bearable, I am a hardcore substance abuser. I honestly believe I was born with a deficiency of several chemicals that the brain needs to function, like serotonin and dopamine. I'm a toxico-maniac, a self-medicator.
Unfortunately, I'm rapidly getting such a huge tolerance for my drugs, that the positive effects are long gone. I just use them not to collapse now.
Which brings me to the point of my story: what do I do?
I have no options left. Don't say therapy, I've tried and tried but I can see right through it. I experience no pleasure, except from very high doses of certain drugs. I have to survive for my close family, but I don't want to spend the following 40 years feeling like this.
I wish I was never born.
But I can't let my parents find out I feel this way, it would hurt them so much. Any advice appreciated.
-Secret Writer
ABOUT THE SECRET WRITER
Email your secrets to thesecretwriter@protonmail.com
Here's the full details about the Secret Writer service:
https://steemit.com/secret-writer/@stellabelle/get-revenue-anonymously-how-to-submit-a-secret-to-the-secret-writer-project
note: I upgraded to an encrypted email service provider, so don't use the Leahstella@gmail.com one. Use thesecretwriter@protonmail.com
Ps: I'm getting quite a few secrets, so please be patient. I only want to post 1 (maybe max: 2) secrets per day so that Steemians don't get tired of seeing these posts.
@stellabelle You've knocked another one out of the park. This secret-writer gig was it originally your idea? It's so different from anything else I'm wondering if you could tell us where the idea for it first sprung forth?
The idea arose out of my imagination. My mind is a gold mine. If you want more, email me.
I have thousands of idea. Sublimation is my game, Satoshi is my main.
I'm loving these secret writer stories! An amazing look into the darkness of the human soul. It also encourages me to look within myself for me fears and dark thoughts, and accept them.
This story was one of the sadder ones though. I feel helpless.
Yeah, it's a tough one, for sure. I wonder how many people can relate to it though?
I personally believe that modern culture is somehow at work in dismantling our psyches.
Notice that when you go to the therapist, or shrink, they never ask about who you really are and what types of things you can do to replace your drug habit.
Here's a video I made after about two years of being sober, when I was just starting to unravel my addiction:
Personally, I can't relate to it from my experiences. But I can certainly relate to it from my fears.
You are absolutely right - the modern technology is overwhelming for us. Many of us struggle to deal with it. Much of our brains were designed over millions of years for survival in the jungles. It simply can't cope with the over overwhelming stresses of modern society.
Any good therapist must get to know you deeply, psychotherapy wouldn't work any other way! But yes, I have seen much said about how many modern therapists are not working on it the right way.
Thanks - I'll surely watch your video.
I developed my own method to overcome addiction: replacement therapy.
I went thru years of analysis about what things made me happy in the past. As a child, I like to write to penpals. Sharing was a bit part of my life. As an adult, i was isolated. So, writing to people, making art in a collaborative way, is good for my sanity. For me, I always struggled with identity as an "artist". I felt it was too selfish of an occupation. What makes me so special that I call myself an "artist". I didn't fit into that . What i fit into is a community of like minded people. I need connections, I need to feel that I'm making a difference. That was the missing piece of my life as an addict. As an addict, I did everything selfishly, just to get high. That was my life, getting high, doing crazy stuff to get higher and then, waking up in a pit of my own doom.
I feel better when I do things for other people, but as long as those things are desirable activiites: making art! Writing, perfecting things! As long as I don't have some fucking spineless vampiric boss-man breathing down my neck, I"m happy!
I am watching your videos - up to Part 3 now. Fascinating! I wholeheartedly admire how you took the situation in your hands and overcame your addiction. I do think that the source of much addictions is definitely a void of something. Once the void is filled - or replaced - there's no need for a drug anymore.
Check out this incredible video on the matter -
Devastating. I have never been where you are. What are the things in life you love? Love is life and to love is to live.
I see you frequently in the @stellabelle comments. I'll have to say great minds follow great content. I always try to show people who complain about the lack of quality work this blog, because it has something for everyone, because everyone has secrets they wish they could share that eat them up but have a release for that here and so much support from people who care enough to post comments that are deeply personal to them.
Please consider Entheogens.
A potential regimen:
Begin by 'microdosing' with psilocybin (cubensis mushrooms)
.25 grams every 3rd day, powdered in gelcaps they go down easier.
A month in, pick a quiet weekend and calm surrounding, and try 3 grams.
(read up on other people's trip reports @ Erowid)
Step regular 3rd-day doses up to .5 grams after this.
This has the potential to provide long-lasting gains in overall mood, lessen depression, smooth out brain chemistry swings and gain a sense of perspective.
I want to do this, but I don't want to do it alone. What do you suggest as far as partners go?
Microdosing is a good way to start, as you don't need a partner to watch you. That lets you work your way up. The ideal situation once you have a good amount of experience is several dried grams (2-5) in silent darkness in a comfortable bedroom, just you and your inner self.
Let me see, ah....here's a good collection of 'trip reports' from various levels.
https://www.shroomery.org/6255/Trip-Reports
But I get the desire for guidance, or at least someone trusted in the next room in case you have a hard time. One of my dreams is to work with some good people and build a healing & growth center down in Chile, next to the Fort Galt project. Self-exploration assisted with high-end biofeedback, float tanks, physical therapy, and good organic food. Beats psychiatric office visits, I'll bet!
@daowisp, good advice! I was going to suggest some of the same things.
Feeling this badly is never something you have to accept and live with, and I know from experience that people can get better. You (the #secret-writer) should be open to all types of medicines and therapy and not give up trying. I've known some people who could probably have benefited from entheogens, hypnosis, and meditation but never had the chance or even considered it.
I know someone who is exactly the same-way; the first step is stepping out of the shadows, being more open about your addictions with the people you love the most. From personal experience with drugs and addiction and the amount your using it's more than likely that they already know. Your addict brain doesn't want to stop though and worries of the consequences. I have no idea of your living situation, but the more people that know your an addict the safer YOU are. Believe me; my friend can't type this or would have any joy in it if he weren't ripped. Without the substance he can't seem to fin
This is a tough one. The suicidal ideation behavior as a child is particularly disturbing. I think you might be in need of some serious mind deprogramming stuff. When I finally began getting myself off of alcohol/drugs/sex with strangers, I had to literally re-live the horrors of what I'd done both to myself and others. When I was an alcoholic/addict, I never thought it would be possible for me to feel joy without ingesting a substance. And I mainly used drug and alcohol to escape my mental terrors, paranoia and also as a way to feel really "on top of the world". The process of removing my dependence on drugs, and finding a true sense of happiness took many years. It was a lot of work. Honestly, I think having a child sort of snapped me out of my self-destruction. If I didn't have someone depending on me, looking up to me for guidance, I think I would most likely still be an addict.
In your case, it appears that you need to connect with people who are in the same boat, as isolation can be a real killer.
While I'm not a therapist, what helped me the most was listening to other addicts/fucked up people tell their honest stories. The Shair Podcast is a place that real people tell exactly how shitty their lives have gotten and what they did to get a little better: https://theshairpodcast.com/
I listened to like over 50+ stories from addicts of all kinds. What I discovered is that we are pretty similar. Addicts tend to not want to confront bad emotions and also tend to overcompensate for areas in life that are not going well. Being attached to drugs, is a form of attachment. You obviously want to feel good.
What I never learned about you though, is what other things make you feel good besides the drugs? That's what you need to work on. You can't just quit drugs, you need to replace your drug habit with something else.
I'm still an addict, really obsessive, but I have replaced my drug habits with the following: providing this service, making art, writing, making up stories. Without those things, I'd go back to using. My personality didn't change, but habits did. These things have made it easier for me to think clearly. I suggest you get really focused on one thing you like to do. One simple thing. That's what you can do for yourself.
Humans want attachment, connection to others. That's why we're all on Steemit (well, of course the money helps). But to be honest, I'd be on Steemit anyway, because I lack deep connections with people. I'm sort of antisocial in real life.
While nowhere near as difficult, I have struggled with addictive behavior.
It might not seem like it, but there is hope.
To the "secret writer", please don't give up.
Thank you for sharing your story secret-writer. I understand that therapy is almost pointless unless you truly wish to do it. It did not help me a lot either. I feel you may have more hurt in your life that you haven't shared with others for fear that they may lose respect for you. While I never abused any hard drugs, I know the effects of depression and anxiety all too well. I know what it's like to break into tears because you have nothing left to live for. While this does seem to be true, it is actually the depression feeding on itself and not a reflection of how others view you. I hope you can at least find comfort that there are people here who struggle with similar issues and you aren't a weirdo or the only one who feels this way. I hope sharing your story and seeing the feedback helps you realize what a special honest and open community you are a part of and have been given a voice through @stellabelle to share your heart in a way that would probably be impossible for you to directly tell anyone else. Wish you peace on your journey. There is help along the way.
Have you been tested for adult Adhd, there are also a lot of Co morbids that run along side Adhd, My Daughter had Adhd, ODD and aspergers. She talks to me about how she feels even when she is very low, please talk to someone close to you as the support will be a great help