SECRET WRITER: I'm A Stranger To Myself
Looking back at my childhood pictures, I feel like I am staring at a stranger.
I can no longer remember that toothy smile or those small moments that made me so happy. But they tell me that these are my pictures – it's not believable, but I do seem to have the same nose and similar dark hair with the happy little girl in those pictures.
My drug use started soon after my tenth birthday – you read that right.
I was only 10 years of age when I had my first taste of pills. Growing up with parents both of whom had substance abuse problems, it really wasn’t hard for me to beg for a taste of mommy’s magic pills that made the sadness go away. Of course I didn’t realize the serious implications of substance abuse at that time. I only wanted to be cool like my mom, who was more of a friend than a parent.
To be honest, I don’t remember the first time I took pills or when I got hooked.
But I do remember that the birthday present I wanted most for my eleventh birthday was a bottle of pills, not an iPod or Barbies. Whenever my mom left the house, I would calmly find the latest additions in her stash of happy time medicine. She never seemed to notice, or if she did, she never asked about it. Taking pills every now and then had the effect of drawing me into the deep abyss of depression just as I was about to enter my teenage years.
The years that are supposed to be the best of your life, where you can be afford to be carefree, and generally enjoy every moment with family or friends weren’t so rosy for me. I didn’t understand what was causing the depression so I turned to the only cure I knew: pills.
Percocet and Vicodin were the ones I used the most. The instant hit and feelings of elation and joy were hard to beat with anything else.
My teenage years weren’t filled with happiness or a bunch of great, supportive friends. I was constantly depressed, didn’t eat well, and felt awful all the time. My reliance on pills to stay happy went up and I also started cutting, had bulimia, and anorexia. I didn’t form any healthy, meaningful relationships with my fellow students and instead kept bringing guys in and out of my life.
Four years down the road, I was in a shelter and a regular user of coke, meth, and ecstasy. The police took me to my dad’s place a couple of times where finding these drugs lying around was no big deal. I had finally had enough when I was about to turn seventeen and ran away. It wasn’t until I turned up at a friend’s house that I realized the horrors my mind and body had been through.
I know this gets thrown around a lot, but I truly couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. It was like staring at a stranger – just like that ten year-old that looks nothing like me and I don’t remember ever being.
-Secret Writer
About The Secret Writer Service
Email your secret to: thesecretwriter@protonmail.com
Full Secret Writer details here: https://steemit.com/secret-writer/@stellabelle/get-revenue-anonymously-how-to-submit-a-secret-to-the-secret-writer-project
FYI:
I split the Steem Dollars 50% with the Secret Writer.
I keep 100% of the Steem Power.
Had no clue or idea in my mind until this read the feeling pills can do for a person the feeling of a orgasm or ejaculation "Wow" that's powerful! and I always use to think about why many of my college friends preferred pills 1st then weed. @stellabelle thank you for another intense read!
Well, the credit does indeed go to the secret writer. This one would be a hard one to release under one's own name.
Drug addicts are known for their lack of sex drive.
I lived with a boyfriend in my twenties who was a former heroin addict, on methadone at the time.
He suffered from Lazy Boner Ranch syndrome.
Drugs last a hell of a lot longer than orgasms.
Cannabis seems to suffice for me:) You really brought the story to life.
i can't smoke weed anymore, i become catatonic. I have no idea why since I used to smoke it a lot in my twenties....
:)
what ,,,
begin so early with pills wasn't the best idea but i know when you are a child you have no clue where these things will end.
Hope to fix your addiction problems because life doesn't means drugs !
Loved the post , hope you get out of the vicious cycle of drugs , like the FYI ,welcome to steem island ,steemete
yes , cool post
vote done @stellabelle
glad you enjoyed it.
upvote done @stellabelle
Hi
upvote done @stellabelle
nice post
upvote done @stellabelle
good post
upvote done @stellabelle
congrats
upvote done @stellabelle
greats post
upvote done @stellabelle
are you a bot? If you're a bot, your grammar needs work: "greats" s/b "great". doh!
Haha helping bots become more valuable with proper grammar!
do you from indonesia? ayu-kartika
good post
How very capitalist of you,
50% SMD, 100% SP, 0% Effort
The inspiration for creating a Secret Writer anonymous account was to create a relief valve in social media for people who wanted to share their tortured secret, but who didn't want their real social media account to be tied to the secret for reasons of privacy, potential abuse, job loss, social upheaval, etc. The inspiration came from a tragic event that happened to me several years ago. I put the FYI there out in the open so that people know exactly what the split is. This is voluntary, and people are encouraged to of course post their secrets under their own handle. However, there are many situations, secrets that are just too intense and/or revealing to be attached to. I first created the Secret Writer on Medium, for free: https://medium.com/into-the-raw/tagged/secret-writer
I did this as a service for people, with no revenue model in place. In fact, I would still do this Secret Writer service for people, even if Steemit were to crash and burn. I actually make way more money when I post my own stories, so as you can see, this is a service to others who either don't have any post traction or don't want their friends and family to know about their secret.
Quite a lengthy justification.
I made a simple point and despite your inspiration and the good reasons for doing it, I think the point still stands. I'm not quite getting the reasoning of... "I used to do it for free but now I take 75%+, but it doesn't matter, because I earn more from my own stuff."
I like your idea. But I'll like it more when someone copies it and gives the author their fair due.
Beyond the split on STEEM, I hope you also share the comments of support for the anonymous authors. What a brilliant idea you have created here!
Well, the secret writers are Steemians, mostly. Each time their secret is published, I send them an email letting them know. They can watch as the comments roll in. It's like therapy but without having to deal directly with anyone.
Hi @stellabelle I just wanted to let you know that I started something new on Steemit that maybe you can collaborate on. You can check it out here: https://steemit.com/steemit/@jaysanz/a-steemit-first-help-create-a-story-reply-with-your-own-paragraph-or-sentence
it is true
👍nice post, good writer @ stellabelle
you are genius! @stellabelle
More than worth it!
I have a strong feeling that the intrinsic rewards these writers will get will far outweigh the monetary value. Instead of feeling like they are screaming into the wind. The author will know he/she has been heard.
I think you are doing something great here! Not because of the money it can make but also because it helps a lot of people to tell the secrets, like getting things off their shoulders, a weight lifted. keep up this amazing job you are doing!
Your service is appreciated very much, I truly enjoy these reads I hope you provide us with more as often as you can.
oh, i have more........sometimes i get secrets then the secret writer decides not to publish them. I am waiting on one right now. I hope the secret gets out. It's a gooooooood one.
you have no idea.....it's going into a new territory: big-time crime families....
Hi @stellabelle You are a very interesting person. Please view my latest post. It is to help my friend Cyrus who is going to his second Olympics! He needs our help! I upvoted you. This is my most important post and the money isn't going to me. Please consider upvoting it. https://steemit.com/steemit/@brianphobos/an-olympian-needs-our-help-steemit-please-read-this-if-you-have-ever-been-passionate-about-something
and yes, I am an artist and entrepreneur. Steemit is my only full-time endeavor besides writing books and my YouTube channel. Everyone has to eat, everyone has to make a living. As a single mother who has lived in poverty for the last few years, I am eager to never be poor again. And I don't want my daughter and parents to live in poverty either. Everyone has a job that calls them. I am a collector of secrets. And an artist. To say that I "do nothing" is insulting to my sensibilities.
More inspiration for you...have you written a post with the feedback from the anonymous writers on what this experience and payouts have meant to them?
i have not yet. Some of the non-english submissions that I have to do extensive re-writing and editing on are extremely grateful for my service. If they posted their bad english on their own account, no one would read them. I have one Secret Writer who is extremely grateful. My goal also, is to help them get one post out, then they focus on releasing their stories on their own account, hopefully learning how to create titles, images, etc.
It's a great idea and it works. You deserve credit for thinking about the useful service. If it really were a scam, you would have people lining up to take you to court.
Without @stellabelle, these secrets would probably never be revealed in the first place.. Anyone who shares their secrets with stella knows that they'll get "only" 50% Steem Dollars.. And I believe it's fair!
Sure, I would love to give her a secret writer-story and make 75% or even more than that, but I would first of all, take into consideration that @stellabelle, has something that I lack. I lack Steem Power and I lack reputation.
So even if I would share my secret myself, or share my own secret as a "secret writer", then I would probably never have the chance to make as much as stelle does. Sure, every now and then perhaps, but stella keeps doing it on a regular basis.. That's worth a lot and I believe that's also why people are using her service.
Regarding the secrets never being revealed in the first place.... so what?
Regarding that you think it's fair... it isn't
Your 2nd paragraph... I can't decipher it, how would you make 75% when Stella keeps 50 and 100?
And your final paragraph, you might be right about people using it for quick SMD, but I hope you're wrong, because if not then we verge on creating a social media device with nothing unique and everything I detest, and we may as well just call some users "Editors", as in newspaper editors, who can pick and choose the articles they want, keep the wealth, and pay authors minimally. I.e. I hope people won't send stories to others for a quick buck, but will post it themselves and earn it for themselves, just as how the platform was designed.
I do believe that this can work as some sort of "therapy" for some, but I won't lie, I do think that there's a few "rotten eggs" telling a made up story just to earn some quick cash.
I think it's fair but I can see your point. However, I still believe it's up to each and everyone to make the decision for themselves, whether to share their story or not.. And it seems like people are doing just that. They use stella's service and I bet most of them are satisfied with the results. Especially the ones who's using it to get fast cash so to speak, as they most likely doesn't care about Steem Power. They want the cash and they want it fast. Stella's service is perfect for these people.
I wouldn't be able to earn 75% when the terms are what they are, what I meant was basically that I wouldn't mind earning 75% or more than that, if stella would be able to change her "commissions". However, I can't actually see a good enough reason for her to do that. Not as long as people have a story to tell and stella can do it for you.. I know that I would probably, 9 out of 10 times earn more by letting stella share my story compared to if I shared it myself.. And that's due to several reasons. Steem Power being the first. Reputation the second.
With all that being said, I do appreciate your input and I do agree with some of the things you've said. Especially the last part. I hope steemit will continue to grow and I personally hope people will share their stories themselves too. That would probably be the best for steemit in the long run, but I still can't say anything bad about stella's service as I truly believe it's a good one.
keep in mind that if a random person just posted an article like this given how steemit currently works, it would probably not be getting $3300 in upvotes.
genius.
BTC, Steemit are capitalist. Nothing wrong with that.
This is really ingenious, congratulations on the creative approach to deliver consistent quality content. If this works out well you can bet that we will be coming back to read each and every secret that posts.
I think @stellabelle's #secret-writer series might be my favourite thing on Steemit
<3
wow, thank you. I have been a little obsessed with creating something of value in the way of secrets, ever since I found Post Secret. I felt like that was my calling, and then was so sad that I didn't create it myself. It was a huge disappointment. So, my passions for secrets have been with me for so long.
It's one of the PERFECT uses for Steemit. I love seeing people coming up with creative new ways to make Steemit more useful or interesting. Only a few weeks in and now we have so much more than just blog posts. Exciting to be involved!
yes, we need more projects! I have a ton of ideas actually. I wish someone would start the series: The Secret Writer: The Fake Stories! That would be a parody account where the stories are totally absurd or funny.
Great writing. Quite intense. In fact, I can't help but want to tell you to be careful. Some of these are so intense that even as a secret writer that it could pull you into a place that many people would want to avoid going to. I can imagine that, although these stories may not be your own, they leave quite an impact on you nonetheless.
By all means, keep it up, do what you love doing. Just take care of yourself and be sure to tread as lightly as possible. :)
While not having had substance abuse problems myself, I can relate to seeing old pictures and not even recognizing it's you there. In my depression I could barely look at happy times, like those shared with my Dad in little league baseball. The fun and joy I had once seemed to have been removed from my life. It seemed I didn't know how to even be happy or if I ever would again. I hope you have since found some friends you can turn to or at the very least reach out to some people here. I myself have used @stellabelle secret writer service so you are definitely not alone. But if you do feel that way, you can email me at bendjmiller222@gmail.com you can send from any email you wish. Just hope to share support towards others who have such pain in their lives.
Wow that's a rough story. I hope the person behind the story is feeling better now.
Thank you @stellabelle for sharing this with the community
For those who enjoy @stellabelle please take the time to look at one who not only outed me as a secret writer, but slandered me and disrespected a great writer https://steemit.com/secret-writer/@bendjmiller222/silencing-the-troll-earnest-disrespecting-stellabelle-exposetrolls