Emotional awakening:

The biggest relief appeared when I found out: I do not have to be perfect to be loved, I can fail because from mistakes I learn. I will love and accept myself no matter what.

If this words are still empty for you, it's fine, you will remember it and smile once you find it in yourself.

Sometimes, when I have new insight I smile... I laugh.... because it was in front of me all the time. In my face. We are so silly sometimes ^_^

My father:

I was so young when I started seeking for answers on question who I am, and why I am here. But I didn't have so much answers, my father was always telling to me that I will never find out and I will waste my time searching for it. Because time is money for him. Money is everything. You can fly with air plane, and then drive a car, and then drink 5 nights in row, with best girls around you and everybody loves you when you have money.
I thought he was right. He knows better, he is my father, right? I really look up to my father, he was my intellectual stimulants in my childhood.

When you are child you do not have cognitive power to understand things with reason, you are pure emotional.
Because our parents do not know so much about emotions, even thems own, they do not see child as emotional being who is trying to learn from them by repeating thems actions.
Parents are often projecting them self into a child, and trying to make something out of child, instead of teaching child how to deal with his own emotions by truly listening them and being feedback.
But our parents do not know better, because thems parents didn't know for better!
So we were growing up with a lot of suppressed emotions, because we never learnt how to deal with them and property channel them.
We learned that something is wrong with us, with our emotions. So we started suppressing them, to fit in.

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The first step in my path of finding my true self is expressing emotions! Every day I wonder: Hmm, feeling of anger, hmmm feeling of sadness, hmmm feeling of love. Feeling ? Why do I feel? There is reason. I will let myself to feel! I will feel it more! And more! Even if it hurts sometimes. Many times. Once understood emotion will not come back.

And then, I found out. Shield. That shield I build up to block myself to feel. Because I was hurt so many times. I was hurt because, I did not understand.... (...it will be continued)

So if you have similar journey as me, I want to tell you: You are fine, there is nothing wrong with you. You do not have to be perfect to be accepted, by me! And you are your own best teacher.

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I will create more posts like this, and I will put them in the book :) This will be just little part of it.

Next post will be: "Discovering my feminine" then "Scary moments in my life". :)
I will improve my English also!

Sometimes I do like to be more man like, and shine with intellect and focus, action. But sometimes I do like to be pure feminine, girly cute flowers ^_^

Good night (: