You Don't Get Anywhere When You Let Toxic Seep in...
Well, it's been over a year now since I said to my estranged husband, that I'd had enough of this 'mere existence' with him (or words to that effect), stuck permanently in a rut, daily dramas over nothing, every day the same, going nowhere.
I had tried to help him (and me) succeed in life, instead of being stuck in the daily doldrums, but ultimately that needed to come from him, I know that now, a few too many years too late. And also that my dreams weren't his and would never will.
Anyway, this time last year, he was still here as he got the children to beg me to change my mind, so we had decided to try again again, until April, but as my post tomorrow about family protection will explore, that didn't happen.
In a nutshell, he was/is toxic (and truth be told so was I to him).
Toxic people take your energy, all of it if you let them, especially if you are more on the empathetic side, and they are at the opposite end of the spectrum and are unbendable narcissists.
Sometimes to move on it is necessary to remove them from your life, or just get as far away from them as possible. You have to consider the costs yourself, even if it affects other people (like in my case the children).
I didn't like me at all last year, I was permanently miserable and stressed out and I discovered making him a morning cup of coffee had become a chore, not a loving gesture.
I pretended for a long time that everything was okay and it became blatantly obvious it was not. I'm not going to go into details, but it resulted in multiple daily petty arguments that turn into shouting matches that became about 'winning' the point. It takes two to argue - we had just run our cause, we were 'toxic' to each other and brought out each other's worst traits.
I'm quite enjoying find out who I am now and making improvements to my weaknesses. But I am thankful I can better see toxic people for who they are now (still not failproof, as I discovered at the end of last year).
A daily area, I run into and for the most part manage to avoid is the chat in the playgrounds, whilst dropping off the kids.
Why is no-one ever happy???!!!
Going to children's birthday parties is the worse. I can sometimes get away with leaving both the girls at a party now and disappear and pray that they will behave, but staying you will find out who done this, who fell out with who, what this person said, how rubbish the school is and how unfair life is and it seriously does my head in.
I end up looking really rude as I walk away, or get absorbed by my mobile 'working', or I'll start talking about Steemit or Crypto and watch their eyes glaze over. I might be a single mother and on welfare and not the best conversationalist in the world, but I don't really give a damn what they think. All things I am working on (well the welfare and conversation parts anyway).
There was a time I did care and I made a big effort to try and get into the clique of mums that included the mother of Hazel's best friend, as it sort of made sense to at least try.
But it didn't really work. So now, for the most part, I walk to and from school with the girls in my own world, I might nod in acknowledgment or smile, but I do not want to part of that fake world.
I feel like that I am the only alive one in that playground. I am a light, their senses have been stubbed out by society. I am daring to step away from the norm and it is paying off.
I am on a winning path. They can carry on being in their bubbles and not exploring the greater world.
My love, hope and hugs will be saved for people who choose to help themselves, not on people who bring others down.
Even here on Steemit the toxicity can show...
My followers' list may look over 200, but I have just selected 10 or so people to support (GINAbot will let me know when they post) with consistent comments and upvotes because these are the people I believe in most and have helped me most on my journey too.
I will also reward decent comments, with an upvote an/or an answer, but I will ignore daft comments that have no thought or substance because these people are not helping themselves by learning how to succeed on Steemit.
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I feel this on almost every level. Your transformation is admirable and inspirational.
My last husband was a narcissist too: a lazy shyster and parasite. Fucking useless. All take, no give. I booted him out when my youngest kid (now 11 yrs) was 7 months old.
Aaarrrgh – the playground mums! I feel that pain; they have nothing but smalltalk which bores me. Playdates are THE WORST! This means you have to socialise with the kids' mums. I didn't choose these muthafuckahs! So glad I don't have to bother with this anymore lol.
All of those things could describe my ex too if I'm honest.
I'm not so good at the small talk, get stuck frequently. It is even a challenge sometimes to make sure I speak in the Berserker chat enough each day too. But that is what makes us grow. Bought my copy of Might Is Right too, yesterday.
Yeah, small talk -- takes too much effort. There are so many more interesting things to speak about.
Might is Right: Great. I can't wait for us all to discuss it together. Like a Berserker book club :D
Get my copy tomorrow ;)
:D
I know exactly what you mean. I have had a fair amount of experience with this sort of thing. It is tough cutting out the deadwood holding you back especially when children are involved. I see the same thing in the school playground, just a load of moaning, complaining and negativity. That is 'normos' for you. Being self employed puts you on a different planet to most 9 to 5 workers. There is just no spark in their eyes.
It amazes me how most people just have nothing going on, no projects or side businesses or aspirations. That is up to them.
Good stuff @hopehuggs Onwards and Upwards
People just don't dare to dream anymore. Oooh there's a post idea to write down.
Ah yes, nothing like the mention of Crypto to make others' eyes gloss over. Even not letting the general negativity drag you down is enough, let alone toxicity. Yeesh. No question about ditching toxic things :)
Yes ditching toxic things, working on expelling on toxicity in all areas. Brain, are you listening?
I once told my ex that he was poison -- not enough to kill me but just enough to make me really sick. Your post resonates with me in so many ways too. I never fit in with the "soccer moms" I just couldn't bring myself to be plastic for the sake of fitting in -- something that I've never done even as a child. My kids got a full shot of my quirks but hey, if they couldn't survive me then the world would eat them up! And now that my boys are older, I love how quirky and smart they are. No one else lives in our skin so no one else is allowed to judge what we do to make us happy in that skin. HUGS
I tell my children to be themselves as much as possible too - only 4 & 6 so far, but I hope I can teach them the important stuff.
I am same as you, even as a child I didn't fit in anywhere. You have to embrace you, not always the easiest thing to do, but when you are happy in your shoes, the rest falls into place.
I couldn't agree more. When my kids were younger, I ended up behaving the same way. I would volunteer to work with the kids and the teens to avoid being with the adults because of the gossiping and the constant toxic attitudes. I felt like I was able to make such a positive impact in the kids' lives when I was focused on that instead. (Plus, I really never fit in with the mom groups anyway)
Sometimes even when two people aren't "toxic" on their own, the combination of two personalities is such that they bring out the worst in each other. In the ebb and flow of my own relationships I admit that sometimes I struggle with knowing where my part ends and their part begins. I don't bother with putting my energy into things that bring me down for the most part. The only relationship I'm willing to work through/fight for is my marriage and my relationship with my children. (and that's because my husband is even more intent on fighting for me/us than I am and he's a good guy, even when he's annoying me!)
This is a great GREAT post :)
You can't function properly in toxic situations. I finally saw what optimism I could muster wasn't contagious and was ultimately knocked down by something petty or trivial and the energy finally ran dry.
Yeah, it takes some awareness to recognize that it's happening. I'm glad you've found your way to more happiness and less toxic people! I love reading your stuff, you are very insightful and a great writer.
As someone who too has been in and escaped from a narcissistic and controlling relationship, I can understand the strength that it took to remove yourself and your family from this situation.
In moving on you are finding your true voice and the confidence to be who you really are and that there's no need to a part of a clique in order to do that. And through airing your voice you're becoming stronger and healing with each post.
Thank you @redwellies that means so much to me, especially as someone who has been there. I am finding my voice and actually liking the sound of it now haha
I can relate with your feelings, especially the toxicity that existed between you and your husband. I had a girlfriend whom I just could not let go. When I am away from her, I became miserable but when I am with her, we quarrelled every moment. The only time we were not quarrelling was when we were having make up sex and sometimes we ended up fighting while having sex.
I tried to bend over for her, to please her but as much as we tried, we just could not go a day with aggravating each other.
I have had this scenario repeat itself several times but her case was the worst. I am not saying I am perfect though. I am not.
I have stopped dating because I don't know who is toxic; myself or the ladies I meet. Maybe I do not know how to go about a relationship.
I am definitely tired of toxic relationships, the strain is unbelievable. So when I come on steemit and jump into your posts when I am supposed to be sleeping, it is me saying thank you for sharing. It is me saying I am lonely but I am at peace. Good morning @hopehuggs
I know exactly how you feel. I don't have the kind of energy to work on a relationship, but maybe not all relationships require that much, but for now like you I am at peace, albeit a little lonely sometimes too.
The best way to get rid of toxic people is to ignore them. I usually let them be and I mind my own business. ;) I don't want to get stressed by people who don't even know the real me. ^^
I am mastering the art of ignoring, doesn't always come easy. Even someone here on Steemit I should ignore, but I don't. I still try contacting them on FB, but no more as it makes me sad.
Not caring what people think is so important to our confidence and taking care of what we need to. Way to be @hopehuggs! Leaving the toxicity of people and things is so important. There is no point to engage with any of that. People want to always voice their opinions with stuff that triggers them but I only engage with love and the great things in life. It then creates only positive in my life and a positive outcome in every aspect. No matter how close someone is to you, family or not, if they make you feel inferior, it is best to move on. There are tons of people that can make your life amazing.
Lovely lovely post here!
Now you put it like that, there is a member of my family that makes me feel inferior as well. Will need to act on that too.
We only got one life to live! :)
good thinking and good choices made, we dont have to be attached with negative people in our lives, we have the right to be free and seek the true happiness! so keep it up!
Yes and that true happiness is inside you if you listen.