RE: How does one deal with/accept a loved one who displays self-destructive behaviors? [Dabbing with a Mage episode 181]
This really touched me. You are such a gentle soul and whilst you recognise you have made your own choices there are still things that have happened to you which does not seem fair. However you're intelligent self enquiry and self reflection and willingness to change will see you in good Stead.
When I first got together with my partner, we were both damaged buy things that it happen to us and our past choices. He was particularly struggling with alcohol and thank God he had finally left his drug use behind as he had spent a decade embroiled in a big party scene. When he drank he was not himself and in fact was quite frightening. We realised a lot of this was liver as it is related to anger. His body couldn't process the alcohol and he would become so unreasonable and cruel yeah it really was not him. However he was so willing to change and we were so in love that we helped pull each other through. Milk thistle was very useful here too.
If you have only been together for a year and love each other that much rest assured that things will reach a point of being easy and comfortable and much less work than it is now. Fuck it takes effort but if you are both willing to go there then you will both be fine despite your trauma. It sounds like you are meant to be there for a reason and despite the fact you were both suffering at least you have empathy for each other's experience.
That is so true about that accusatory language that we use during arguments which puts us both on the back foot. I hate it when my partner says you always do this. Sometimes I think he does it just to antagonize me lol .... it does shift alot when you change the language to say I feel. Then it is not all about them but about your relationship together and how the other might be behaving in a way that might hurt the other if that makes sense.
I love to listening to this heartfelt response and wish you strength courage and perseverance. And a Whole Lotta Love... haha.. my dictaphone capitalised that, so let's close with some Led Zepp.. can't go wrong!!!
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Thank you for your kind and empathetic response. I find it extremely helpful and promising to hear of your experience battling trauma and addiction with someone you feel extremely close and intimate with. The struggles are very difficult, but I do believe we have made much progress and hearing of your own success only strengthens what I believe to be true.
I learned about speaking about feelings through a brief encounter with nonviolent communication. It’s been really helpful for me to get my feelings out rather than have them brewing and avoided and context. It’s also been very interesting, because now when I hear people say accusatory statements I want to be empathetic and hear their feelings and the statements. However, that is Very difficult When in the midst of anxiety and triggers.
Again, thank you very much for your wonderful response.
Yes, it's possible for sure. My immediate thought was your age as well... we were both 30 when we met. I think its an age where you are more circumspect and less likely to buy into same patterns of past as they no longer serve you. And if you've learnt to be less accusatory and willing to look at any conflict through other prisms, then that will help. Oh.. and taking a breath! Giving space for whatever you are feeling, both of you. As well as the breath out ... never go to sleep on an argument, never leave the house on an argument!! Always realise that love is bigger than the other stuff and you have to CHOOSE that every.single.time.
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