Mental Health: Breaking Away From Toxic Relationships

A very significant part of the counseling and mental health industry revolves around helping people deal with their relationships.

A very large portion of my counseling clients come to me because they are struggling in their relationships — or sometimes friendships — and they're trying to find answers to why things are working out the way they are.

Whenever we unpack that to try to find answers we invariably end up down a road of examining what patterns are being repeated over and over again.

People generally don't like to hear this because we like to think we're in control, but in the vast majority of cases we are making toxic choices out of a need to rectify a situation that was wrong a long time ago and we just keep trying to fix even though there is no fixing it.

A very common pattern that often causes problems is when somebody inadvertently has become addicted to what I think of as relationship highs.

Relationship highs occur when you have that spark and it feels like everything between you and another person is just aligned and connected perfectly and then you decide that nothing short of that feeling amounts to the kind of relationship you want.

Sadly, we're actually creating a set of unrealistic expectations because most relationships don't work like that.

With very few exceptions, the best and most solid relationships I encounter are the ones that grow out of something more moderate and measured than extreme highs and extreme lows. In a sense you could say what makes the relationships great is the absence of chaos.

But most of those stable and solid relationships likely would fail to meet the excitement test for somebody who is addicted to that relationship high. Somebody who is just always there and loves you without needing to set traps and tests... for you might come across as boring.

Where's the excitement?

Let's remember here that that is not necessarily an absolute truth, but instead a perception of somebody whose expectations of "greatness" is a roller coaster ride.

So then we have to unpack why it is you're addicted to being on a roller coaster. In many cases it had to do with unstable and unreliable relationships with your family of origin, where perhaps you had to earn every good word and every kindness through exceptional effort rather than know that love was just freely given simply because you were there and alive.

You don't learn to have a secure attachment style overnight, but simply recognizing that you have a toxic pattern driving your relationships can take you a long way towards healing!

Thanks for visiting, and Bright Blessings to all!

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