Sometimes we can get trapped in the drama of people who engage in an endless loop of chronically toxic behavior.

"Toxic" might sound like a strong word to use, but there is little doubt that some of the old wounds people carry around conspire to not only hurt themselves and others, but also serve to drive away the very people who are closest to them and genuinely care the most.

In my counseling practice, I am often challenged to help somebody work through the difficult and painful ending of a relationship, and deal with the aspects of that ending that they feel like they're responsible for. In many cases, it will turn out that they have been on the end of toxic behaviors that borders on abuse.

Oftentimes, when somebody engages in toxic behaviors they are not even aware of it. Or, they are not aware that the toxicity comes from them. They are merely repeating an old pattern of pain from a previous part of their life, sometimes as an expression of complex PTSD from childhood and prior relationship abuse.

The person engaging in the toxic behavior are often trying to overcome and play through a personal drama of some kind. But it's not always a one-way street.

One common scenario is that the person has convinced themselves that they are "not lovable." As a result, they try very hard to maintain that particular paradigm by actively pushing away anybody who is authentically kind to them and makes an attempt to love them.

What they may even do — if that person stays around and persists and loving them — is to escalate increasingly unlovable behavior in an attempt to elicit "proof" that they are not lovable... and when the person who persists in loving them finally throws in the towel and says "I can't handle this," they have effectively "succeeded" in proving their own point that they're not lovable.

In listening to client stories over the years, people have described this cycle in terms of feeling lovable, or in terms of being a nice person, or in terms of being a loser, and various other repeating patterns.

In some ways, this is one of the most difficult psychological patterns to break out of. Typically, when confronted with the reality of their toxic behavior, the person will get quite resistant and combative and insist that others do not know what they're talking about.

Of course, it is often a two-way street, because the sort of personality that does choose hang around and keeps persisting in the face of escalating negative behavior is often an enabler who is also caught in their own toxic pattern — in this case, perhaps a belief that they don't deserve any better.

There is much evidence within the field of psychology that people tend to pair up along "complementary dysfunctions" as part of working through their struggles.

As with many aspects of healing the mind of soul, the first step is usually simply to recognize that you're caught up in a repeating negative pattern... and to accept that the pattern starts within, and can't just be passed on to "them."

The overall healing and recovery process can be long and painful, so it bears to remember that the pattern was typically created over many years, and we much accept that it can't just be undone with the wave of a magic wand.

Thanks for visiting, and Bright Blessings to all!

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