Wellness and Mind: Controlling the Actions of Others

At one time or another, I expect most of us have experienced moments during which we wanted someone close to us to behave in some way other than how they were behaving.

Which is fine, as long is we're dealing with sporadic isolated incidents. It's not so good if we have a pervasive need to change someone to suit our needs.

Maybe you have encountered - or even said, yourself - something along the lines of "Bob would be the perfect husband, if just..." followed by a laundry list of things you want to change about Bob.

This is often when things start to go wrong, because trying to change and control another's actions is typically an exercise in futility.

There are normally two likely outcomes.

Either the person will change in order to try to please you, but it seldom lasts because after a while they realize that they are living life as you want them to, but not as they want to. In time, they revert to their previous way of being because that is actually more comfortable for them. And then you just end up wanting to change them back!

The other option is that the person will become resentful and even angry because you are trying to make them change their behavior. They might even say that you're "always criticizing." Most people actually see through such requests and realize that it is something being asked for your convenience and benefit, not for the person being asked to change.

Which brings up one of the interesting foibles of human nature. So often we choose to try to change somebody who is less than ideal for our relationships, rather than have patience until we find somebody we don't feel the need to change, or to simply accept that people have different ways of navigating life.

It's a situation I often have to deal with with the clients who come to me because they are having relationship troubles. And I gently have to let them know that trying to change and control the actions of others is typically an exercise in futility.

My advice is usually for them to instead consider why they want to change the other person so that they can put their finger on what it is that really annoys them. Often, it has nothing to do with the person at hand... and everything to do with something that caused them trauma or discomfort in the past

Although it is perhaps a bit of a stereotype, the old saying that "what annoys you most about somebody else is often the quality in yourself that you have unresolved issues with" tends to hold remarkably true!

Thanks for coming to visit, and Bright Blessings to all!

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