Can’t Shake This Funk Today
I don’t really know what it is. I cannot put my finger on it but I’m struggling big time today. I woke up and just was off. It’s like a switch turned and I’m stuck on the FUNK setting. I’m irritated at literally everything. I don’t want to be around anyone or talk to anyone. I just want everyone to fuck off and stay away.
I had to be up early today as my wife had to bring her car in for repairs so we’ve been using my car for todays errands...in which there are a bunch. When I got in my car today I noticed a gross foul smell. That’s when I discovered a milk bottle with the cap open. Since I’m stupid I probably finished it and it most likely fell on the floor without me noticing. Well the cap popped off, and the remnants of the milk soaked into my car mat. Then it baked in the sun. So I went to Walmart, bought all new mats and then did a proper cleaning job.
Went to go get a haircut as I am sick of my Chia Head. Was told about a half hour wait. Almost an hour later there is still someone ahead of me and I had to pick the wife up, then the daughter, then drive the wife to get her car. No haircut so the world is stuck with current me. Sorry world.
I haven’t been feeling well as of late either. My back has been bad for a while now and my already piss poor sleep I get is even more disturbed than usual. Allergies are kicking in and ultimately I think I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Kinda tired of life at the moment. Catching a break when it comes to just about anything is just something that is so foreign in recent years. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve planned out that hasn’t had a wrench thrown into it.
The wife and I seem worlds apart. She just got out of job hunting mode and started a new position so she’s been preoccupied, but I just don’t feel like we are on the same page. The kids do their own thing. I haven’t seen much of my friends or family lately and I just feel completely out of sorts.
Speaking of family, another thing that’s weighing on me is the fact that my sister and her whole family are all going on a cruise tomorrow. Along with my dad and about 30 other friends. I’m super happy for them. I really am. If anyone deserves a vacation it’s my dad...but I’m absolutely filled with sadness and jealously because of this.
For years I have been trying to get my family to all go on a cruise together. Years. I’ve been brushed off each and every time. Well a couple of months ago, my sisters friends mentioned a cruise and my sister jumped at the opportunity immediately. Then my dad. Just seems like a slap in the fucking face. Literally like 4 years in a row I tried and heard crickets but her friend comes along and asks and they all jump at the opportunity. My dad is one of the most important people in my life and now they all get to share and partake in something that I’ve been trying to organize for ages while I stay home and pet sit.
I’m fairly fucking bitter about it and I hate that. I’m so happy for them. They all deserve this trip but I feel even more useless and worthless than before knowing that there was no efforts made to try to make it work all the times I tried to organize it but it’s a totally different story when their friends do it. I think it’s just a sign of me growing apart from those closest to me. I don’t really feel like I belong here anymore. In my job. In my family. In my own house.
Yes I see that the common factor in all of these gripes is me. I’m well aware that most of this falls at my feet. I am the issue. Most of the time I’m able to just bury those rotten feelings deep inside and try to be a normal functioning member of society but then there are the random days like today where it just pours out and no matter what I do, I can’t stop it.
I’m sure tomorrow I’ll feel a bit better. I sure hope so. I have to go pick up my dads dog Chloe as she will be staying with me while he’s away. I also have to get the key to my sisters house so I can take care of her cats. This week will be extra tiring as I’ll have to allow more time for not only them, but to see my mom daily at the “home”. With my dad going away for the week, she will need me there. That’s a whole other issue that is just a shit show. Watching someone deteriorate from dementia is brutal. Especially when it’s one of the people you love most in this world.
I really miss my mom and I often think back to the days when she was still healthy and full of clarity. If she was of sound mind right now, I’d probably be bawling in her arms as she told me it would be ok. She always did that when I struggled. She would always say “I wish I could take your pain away.” and while she didn’t...she kinda did. If that makes any sense at all.
Here I am. A 39 year old married man who wants nothing more than to cry in the arms of his mom of ten years ago. What I wouldn’t give...
Ok well that’s enough bitching for today. If you somehow read through this, I apologize. I am ultimately fine and the fucked up chemicals or lack thereof in my dumb head will level out soon enough. I just know how I struggle in my own head at times and I know I’m not alone. Some people have a really tough time coming to terms with their own struggles...even denying they exist sometimes. I feel like writing about it helps me see the light. It helps when I look back at it with a clearer mind. I’d also like to believe that it may help someone else at some point. Maybe someone who battles the darkness in their own head as well. I dunno. Maybe not.
Either way, tomorrow is a new day with a new opportunities to conquer. I think I’d like to smile more tomorrow. That’s definitely on my to do list.
Blewitt
I love you're courageous enough to put the real you out there. As men, so much of our culture tells us that we need to be strong, always be on point, firing on all cylinders, and never let anything get in our way.
We have to be warriors, whether we're actually fighting in a true confrontation, or we're just tackling our day-to-day issues head-on, and warriors, we are told, don't have the luxury of a day off. When shit goes south, we're supposed to man up and smack life upside the head until it gives us turf.
Fuck that. That's fine for when we're fine, but when we're not, that's the worst stance to take.
Mental health is our health, and ignoring it is like ignoring a broken arm just because it's not a broken leg and thus doesn't impair our ability to walk.
I don't know about you, but when I'm feeling overwhelmed, my instinct is to pull away from everything and everyone. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to spend time in person with people. I just want to be alone so I can nurse that wound to my psyche and get back up to speed. It's incredible how many people do not understand this, no matter how much I try to explain. This is depression.
It's not chronic. It's not permanent. But it is real. It's where we all wind up, and society has ill-prepared us for how to handle it, so we either hide until it has passed, or we lash out against those around us because we can't help it, and then we feel all the worse for it, because "we should know better".
You're a badass. But you aren't an invincible badass. Pain is not weakness. Depression is not weakness. Wanting to cry your eyes out while your mother holds you isn't weakness -- no one would call us weak for splinting a broken limb, covering an open cut with a bandaid, or running a burn under cold water. Seeking a balm for wounded emotions is no different.
You are one of the most incredible, inspirational guys I know. I know what your children mean to you, I know what your wife means to you, I know what your fur babies mean to you, and I know what your family means to you. More than that, you know what they all mean to you, and you can recognize that what you're feeling now is not authentic, and is driven by other feelings. And that, my good man, is how I know you are a good man.
I hope you find peace tonight, that sleep comes fast and hard, and you are able to arise tomorrow with the slate wiped clean, as it were. But if you need to talk, I'm here. Shoot me a message on the book of faces, or drop a comment here with me tagged.
You do not have to face this alone. You are not alone. I do not leave my brothers behind.
Eh...I’m almost 40. Lol. Not trying to front or impress anyone at this point of my life. This is me. Extreme highs and doldrums lows. I assume most folks are similar whether they admit it or not.
Truth on how you deal with it. Similar situation here. When I find myself trapped in the darkness I often times just want to kind of wallow a bit on my own...get it out of my system...then get back to living fully.
Thank you so much. It helps that you are kinda on the same page. Your words and how you expressed this specific problem that all too many people struggle with...all spot on and I couldn’t say it better myself. You are a good dude And I’m glad to have you as a friend.
Even if this place failed and Steem went to 0, having made friends like yourself made this entire experiment worthwhile.
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I know exactly what you feel like. I've just emerged from a deep, black hole (in my head) that lasted for a few weeks.
But please don't cut yourself short. I know it's kinda like a defense mechanism to say things like: I'm stupid. Etc. And I know you sometimes try to joke your way out of the blues...
And man, having a loved one (especially your mother) that is deteriorating in front of your eyes is very painful, I know. But even though that's the case, you can still visit her, and you never know: they have their good moments too. Just being there for her might do you some good too. And never forget those great times you had with her!
You're an amazing guy and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise!
Hugs all the way from Ireland.
Those prolonged funks are terribly hard to cope with. Been there sadly. Glad you found your way through it.
Joking definitely helps. Honestly, getting wrapped up in a good story helps me. Be it a book, movie, show...it helps me get my mind into something different. That and the pups. 😉
You are always so sweet and I look forward to ya swapping stories in November in Thailand!!! Happy ones or sad. It’ll be the company that’s important. ❤️
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I know joking helps. The greatest comedians have histories of depression or at least the blues at times. Most of them are also highly intelligent so that should tell you something...😉
And yes, some sort of distraction like a movie or book works for me too, even if it's just for a moment. Comedies work like a charm, and even chick flicks, something I usually never watch (bring out the tissues!!!).
And pups??? There is just nothing better than live fur babies! Of pretty much any kind. And human babies (when they're not crying or screaming LOL).
I'm already getting excited for Thailand, still lots to do and take care of, but excited nevertheless. The company is everything. The location will absolutely help. ❤️
Yeah I love getting sucked into a compelling story. Totally helps me through the darkness.
Actually sounds really reasonable and it prolly helps to just vent it on steemit like you said. It’s actually oddly comforting because I know the feeling.
Wish I could say something to help but we both know that won’t work..I did give you like 7 cents with an upvote though! :)
Yeah. I’m sure you sadly know struggle all too well. 😞
Just having you here and back on regularly is actually a huge positive in all honesty. Always a rockstar and I appreciate that.
Lol @ 7 cents!!!
I’m rich!!! 😂
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Don' t be so harsh on yourself, man. You're one of the good guys, remember?
I know this is going to sound kinda corny, but have you tried talking to them? Your sister, your wife? Maybe that would help? Feels like you're going through a rough time and you shouldn't have to bear the weight alone ❤️
Take care, Chris.
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I know. Yeah I usually do. Sometimes when I know it’s mostly just me having an “off day”, I just push through as I know it’ll pass. Not worth the argument or the tension most of the time.
This is something I’ve dealt with for as long as I can remember. I’m grateful that I don’t have a ton of days like that one. They come and pop up once in a while. Kinda builds up until it’s breaking point but I usually just kinda shut down and avoid people during that time. Feeling better already though. ❤️❤️❤️
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How about a FUNKo pop?
Hugs to ya
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Lol. Just a gloomy ass Pop grey and boring. Lololol
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Hugs. You’re awesome and I hate that you feel this way.
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Super sweet of you my dear. All good. Much better after I got sone sleep, saw my mom, and all that nonsense.
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We all feel like that, today's your turn it seems. I often try to recall the things in life I'm thankful for and find it drives the negativity down...Little by little it helps...But that's just me. I like you smile more plan...That helps a lot and I always find the best way to improve my self-esteem, mood etc. is to help improve someone else's.
Rock on bro, you're not alone. 🙂
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Yeah I know I’m not alone in it. Appreciate the kind words brother. I know these feelings pass. I think it often comes at times when I’m overtired, not feeling well, and just juggling a lot. Straw that brawls the camels back type of situation. Ya know?
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Yep, I've been there, and I'm sure will be again at some point. 🙃
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You are always brutally honest about your own shit. Hugs to you @blewitt.
Much love to ya. ❤️
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You are not dumb..please don't berate yourself for how you feel. That just creates more anxiety. You just need to ride this one out... allow yourself to cry. You don't need to swallow everything... sometimes you just need to scream and cry AND THAT IS OKAY.
Remember life just ups and downs and ebbs and flows and that's what it DOES... even with our personal relationships. Impermanence and change are a given... that can be reassuring more than anything.
Your Mum is with you. Put your hands on your heart in a quiet moment and say to yourself with loving kindness, as she would: you are okay. You are doing the best you can. You are doing okay.
With much love x
💚
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You are not dumb
Oh you are very wrong on just how dumb I am. Lol. Just kidding.
Yeah riding it out is kinda the preferred method. I know that this usually passes fairly quickly. At least when it’s super heavy and weighing on me. A good nights rest and doing something I enjoy usually helps ease.
Mom is a different story. In recent years I’ve kinda accepted what’s happened...however unfair it may ultimately be. It just gets hard somedays. But she’s still here and I’m lucky for that.
Thx for the kind words. It helps me find the light in the darkness. ❤️
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We all get those ones from time to time. Not much to do only ride it out and try to focus on something you enjoy until it passes. I always like to play golf or clear my head outside when it does. Just get away from everything that is bothering me and focus on something i like.
Yup. Riding it out is usually my way of dealing when these days pop up. I love playing disc golf and that helped me years back when I was going through a divorce. Might ya e to start taking that initiative again as it seems to clear my mind a bit.
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